I'm jolted awake for the third time in the wee hours of the morning.
The windows are still dark, and my phone screen lights up next to my head telling me it's almost four.
I rub the sleep from my eyes and shift uncomfortably.
Elizabeth is starting to whimper again.
I'm pretty sure I broke some big rules by falling asleep with her on my chest, but it's the only place I could get her to stay calm.
I hadn't meant to drift off again, but this whole night has been exhausting.
She wakes every hour or so, needing a bottle or to be burped or just to be held.
The second I'd have her soothed, I'd try to lay her back down and she'd start crying all over again.
The only thing that actually seems to help is laying her against my chest and patting her bottom until she falls asleep.
The little shit has a radar or something. She knows the second my hand stops, because she starts stretching and whining impatiently until I start up again.
"Yes ma'am, yes ma'am." I whisper to her, snuggling her fuzzy head below my chin and breathing her in as I continue the motion. My wrist is going to fall off at some point, but if it makes her happy then I'll do it.
She smells amazing.
I've heard people talk about newborn smell before, but I always thought that was weird. People talking about wanting to take a big ole whiff of a babies head sounded creepy and off to me, but now that I've experienced exactly what it is. I can't get enough.
She is the most adorable thing wrapped in her thin white blanket, one tiny fist resting against my collar bone. Her breathing comes slow and steady and I feel such comfort from the rise and fall of her body against mine.
I yawn, entirely exhausted, but I know she'll need another bottle soon, so falling back to sleep right now would be nothing but a cruel tease.
I lift my phone with my free hand and click through my messages to keep myself awake.
Dozens of missed calls and messages fill the screen.
One from Shelia that I type a quick response to, letting her know I did make it safely. I feel a little guilty that I had forgotten to message her, but at least I got back to her eventually.
The rest are from Gabby and Ella.
Ella sent me dozens of links to articles all about caring for newborns and babies with NAS. I devour each one, eagerly looking for any information that will help me be better at this.
I read through them all and then gently kiss the top of Elizabeth's head. "We've got this, baby girl." I whisper to her.
Her little body trembles slightly and I snuggle her closer.
My fears are alive and well all over again. Alice's selfishness could lead to so many issues for this baby.
All of the disabilities and slow development I read about fill me with complete and total dread. I just want her to be ok. I want her to have the best life she can possibly have. I pray that Ben can give it all to her.
A tear slips from the corner of my eye in the darkness and I tap Ella's contact to call her.
"Hayden?" She answers on the first ring. "Are you ok?"
I sniffle a little. "I'm ok." I whisper as quietly as possible. "You were right about the skin to skin. She liked it."
"Oh, good." She replies. "Did you get the stuff I sent you? I've been reading about it all day. Gabby too."
