Poems of Pain and Solitude

Chapter 13: killed after death

You were one of a kind. Eyes are going blind,

Losing my mind,

It's always something you lose but never find.

You were my damnation as much as my salvation.

Shattered little hopes in a shattered little soul,

How did I say I loved you when I could barely stay whole?

Darkness engulfing me in a clouded veil

Colour draining from my face, leaving it so pale.

Bleeding never did hurt me anyway,

Fighting my way to death, oh it's the best way.

Started choking when they asked me if I could breathe,

Started screaming, so they told me to shut up and leave.

A little stab in the heart could hurt no one,

Everyone tells the loser they lost, but they think they won.

Was buried in my home six feet deep, is this real?

Tell me what to feel.

They threatened to close my eyes but I was blind already,

How stupid could this possibly be?

I woke up in a startled wake

Everything within me began to shake.

Breath gasping,

Heart stalling,

Breath hitching,

Heart stopping.

You were standing here in a dark corner

And to me you were just a foreigner.

"I love you" but it's just a fragile whisper,

Does it matter?

Yes or no?

You already know.

A step forward, a step closer.

Only, it feels like you're so much further.

I swallow my pride, because I'm still hungry.

A call of warning, I'm not even angry.

And when your gaze curls around me like ivy,

I crash through every wall, forgetting every inch of "sorry".

Lips touching,

Mind collapsing,

Rules breaking,

Tears bleeding,

Love soaring,

Danger calling.

Mistakes are forgotten,

Tossing aside everything that isn't forbidden.

Your hands poison every inch of skin

Until I am breaking

At your own will, I beg you to forgive me,

But you just smile like you won a trophy.

The silence taking its time to rip pieces out,

You don't give me an answer and I want to shout.

How is it possible you can draw the deepest cuts

With just a simple satisfied smile? You have the guts,

You have the nerve, to ignore me after yelling at me?

There is nothing like silence after an argument, believe me.

I've been bleeding for many years,

But never ever did I let go of my fears.

Beliefs piling up that I couldn't release,

Tried smoothing the cloth but there was always a crease.

I've been crying for many years,

But I never took value from those tears.

Thoughts of that fateful night echoing,

Right before I started fading:

Will someone give me something to become?

I don't know who I am, is it normal to be so numb?

I love him but I don't want it like that, or like this

How can I say that he'll never be mine, but I'll always be his?

I don't think I'll last that long

Watching her laugh with you while I try and stay strong.

I've tried talking to you but I don't know how

To make you feel like this is all something I want now.

Effortlessly she touches your hair, effortlessly talks with you

As I stare across the room to wonder what to do.

Who could ever love me

A poor girl with all the unwanted sympathy?

And I know above all we're all filled with hurt

But why does the word sound so close to heart?

Oh but I've been running away for this whole time

I just never knew where, or if I'd ever be fine.

"It's alright"

But it's always a lie.

"There's light in youth"

But it's never a truth.

"There'll be height in your lows"

But how do they truly know?

In my nightmares you still haunt me

While I desperately try, try, try.

In my endless sleep you brandish a knife free

While I desperately cry, cry, cry.

In my life I was killed when my soul was already dead.

It was all in your head, it was all in your head.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Breathe, breathe.

Breathe.

Brea—