You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

Drive

After winning the fight by playing the dirtiest card my mind could come up with, I hid from him. The second I won the fight, I couldn't look him in the eyes. Every time my thoughts circled around him, the way his lips moved against mine replayed in my head like a movie scene. 

And I honestly didn't want to think about it. Because thinking about it meant trying to understand and analyze my feelings. 

And I didn't have feelings. 

I couldn't have feelings. 

We'd barely known each other and for most of the time I had worried about wether I would get killed or become a killer - hell, even him ending my life was considered a high possibility by me not to long ago. And after doing what I chose to do today, you know after already ratting him out to the police and starting a gang war, maybe - just maybe - his patience would finally run out.

But seeing him would only trigger the endless loop and the fantasy of a hella unrealistic love story my delirious self was creating in my stupid brain.

Therefore, ignoring him as best as I could and escaping every room he entered was my best option. 

3 days after I had tricked him to fall for me (literally), and successfully hiding, scared shitless of the confrontation, he had finally caught me. 

"Y/N"

I made the mistake to look him in the eyes, the thoughts in my head instantly becoming blank. All I could think about were his soft warm lips. My eyes followed my brain before I could stop them and landed on his lips.

"How are you?"

The injuries I had suffered from because of him had been treated well by Seungmin. I only felt a slight pain in my rib area now and then whenever I laughed. Other than that I was absolutely fine. 

Regardless of my racing heart, obviously. 

"I'm good". And that wasn't really a lie. I focused my eyes onto the ground. 

Most of the other guys had entered the kitchen to grab something to eat as well. Chan was still starring at me, while I stood frozen in place.

"Geez, the tensions worse than normal" Hyunjin commented. "Did anything happen?" Everyone else seemed pretty confused, but Minho chuckled knowingly from the counter, getting all the attention. 

"Did we miss something?" Felix asked confused and Minho wiggled his eyebrows, smirking and taking a sip of his drink. 

That was when I raised my head to look up at Chan again, his expression similar to mine. Both of us not looking forward to what was going to happen next. 

"No way!" Jisung exclaimed, throwing his hands up, pulling his hair in disbelief. His eyes switching between me and his friend, widening in realization. "You guys kissed?!"

Another replay of the scene was set off. 

I felt my cheeks heating up in embarrassment. Hyunjin dramatically sucked in a breath. 

"Who kissed who?" he earned an ice cold glare from Chan, his ears glowing just as red as my cheeks were. I felt like I was going to choke on my own saliva. 

Has anybody ever died from holding a breath too long? How long has it been since I had stopped breathing?

Had to be since Chan had entered the room. 

Minho was the one to answer Hyunjin. He just nodded towards me, his grin still very much present. A tomato had to look pale compared to me at this point. 

"God damn it, Bang Chan!" Hyunjin screamed out in frustration, while Jisung seemed rather happy about the revelation. 

"You owe me 50" he laughed cheerfully. Another cold glare from Chan made him shut his mouth, a little smile still visible from the corner of his mouth. 

That was all I could take before I stormed out of the room to go hide in mine again. 

A knock on my door pulled me out of the never-ending loop my mind decided to force on me. However when the reason for my brainfuck appeared in the doorframe, it automatically pressed play again.

"C'mon, we've got a mission."

I tried to shake off my thoughts and followed him anxiously. I wasn't prepared for a mission. Nor for a conversation with him. 

He led me to the garage, getting into the same car he had kidnapped me in when we met in 'Miroh'. After I hopped in the passenger seat, he quickly started the engine and drove onto the street. It was dark outside already, streetlights and other cars being the only source of light besides the full moon.

Being alone with him felt incredibly awkward. I admit that that was mostly my fault, but I wasn't going to bring up the topic or talk about anything related to the accident where I punched him in his mouth with my mouth. 

"It's a mission to find out the truth". 

That sounded interesting. Maybe we were going to do the questioning on a rival gang member, trying to find out secrets. I relaxed in my seat. 

This wasn't about us.

It's about a mission, focus Y/N.

"So, tell me the truth, Y/N".

I didn't like where this was going. I gulped. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I could feel his eyes boring into my head, trying to read the thoughts that were going on inside. 

"Why did you kiss me?" He tilted his head and stopped the car after pulling into a parking spot.

A few months ago I had dreaded that he might kill me, now I wished for nothing more. I could feel the blush creeping up my neck again. 

"W-What do you mean?" I hated how he still managed to make me so nervous around him. Comfortable but nervous. How does that even make sense? I didn't dare to look at him, too afraid that my eyes would reveal the truth. 

He cleared his throat a little. "Well, exactly what I said. Why did you kiss me?" 

Because I had to win.

Because I had to surprise you somehow, catch you off guard. 

Because I had to stay a Stray Kid.

Because I like you.

"There's just two possible answers if you need me to lay them out for you. Either you did it with the intent to win our fight..."

He took a deep breath as if he had to prepare himself for what he was going to follow that up with. 

"Or you did it because you like me?" 

How do I tell him that option 3 is both of the above? 

Although he was trying to sound nonchalant, his eyes were telling me that he was dying to know the answer. 

Hold up.

What if maybe - just maybe - Gang leader Bang Chan likes me back? 

Delusional brain 1 - Y/N 0.

I regret kissing you in that situation. I should've given you a more meaningful first kiss. It should've told you my intention, I should've told you my feelings.

I want to kiss you-

"I understand that you don't want to talk about this but I really need you to communicate with me-"

And what my brain came up with in response was just another absolute brilliant performance.

"I regret kissing you."

For a split second, I swear I could see his heart shatter into a thousand pieces, as I felt my own following his lead.