The crashing sound of the waves filled my ears as I stood in front of the sea. My once content and nonchalant heart is now nowhere to be found. Dark and morbid thoughts have been flooding my head for the past weeks. The hopelessness that I've been dealing with for God-knows how long is now louder than ever.
I bit my lip as I touched my stomach. Hot tears started to pool my eyes as the excruciating pain invaded my system once again.
Plus, this little beep inside me... I don't know how to continue with this little human inside me.
It would be so selfish of me to save myself, but I don't want him to face the same struggle I must deal with ever since I was born. I don't want her to experience this cruel world. I don't want him to hear cruel things from people that barely know him. I don't want him to harbor the same hate that I've been keeping inside me with no hope of release.
I don't want him to hate anyone. I don't want him to feel hate because he'll be just like his mom, a wounded, feisty but coward woman.
I... I just can't risk him having deal with people like Jay and his family.
Also... what kind of life can I give to my son if I, myself is not that stable? What kind of a mother will I become? What kind of lessons can I share? What things can I offer just to ensure that he'll live a life with little to no pain? How am I supposed to give that when I have nothing?
I'm not ready and I don't think I will ever be.
"I'm sorry, Jae." I whispered as I wiped my tears.
I gazed at the sea again and remembered what the doctor had said a few weeks ago.
"You've been feeling sick for the past weeks because you're 15 weeks pregnant, Pristine." She broke the news to me as I sat there– bewildered on what to say and what to feel. "Are you aware that you're this early in pregnancy?" she inquired, and I hopelessly shook my head.
The doctor nodded before getting a document inside her drawer.
"This is the photo from the ultrasound. We're expecting a baby boy." She said in a stoic tone and that bothered me.
I looked at the photo and I can already tell that he looks like his goddamn father. His proud nose, eyes and fingers are just like Jay's.
"I-Is there something wrong, doc?" It took a lot in me to even ask a simple question.
"I want to discuss some things with you, but I just have to ask; is your husband or your partner with you?"
I bitterly smiled before shaking my head. For all I know, he's out there doing his old habits.
"N-No doc. I-I'm all alone." I managed to put a small smile and she nod her head.
"Okay, I'm going to be very honest with you, Pristine..." she started as she leaned closer to me. "Your baby's heartbeat is low."
Something inside me turned as I got lost in her words. Negative thoughts immediately invaded my system, but I slapped them all down just to hear more of what the doctor has to say.
"What does it mean, doc?"
"It means that your baby is in a crucial condition. There are a lot of cases wherein the baby survives just by resting and eating nutritious food. However, in your case, the baby only has a 30% chance of living."
My heart ached and it felt like a knife was being twisted inside my chest.
"No need to panic. We're going to do everything to improve your baby's condition. I'm going to give you vitamins for the baby, some meds for his heart then I'm going to provide a list of food you should eat for the next 2 months. Okay?" she offered me a warm smile, but I couldn't smile back.
Just by the thought of buying those vitamins, meds for my baby and food to eat is already enough burden for me.
Where would I get that money? I'm barely surviving!
No one knows about my condition. I can't drag Lia in this mess because she'll go berserk just by the thought of this kid.
The salty wind of the beach pulled me out of my reverie, and I was once again reminded that I couldn't continue anymore. There are no better days coming. For the past 25 years, the days that were given to me were all hard, toxic and pitch-black days.
"I'm sorry baby boo..." I whispered as I touched my tummy. "Mommy just couldn't continue anymore. This world is too much for me; for us." I cried as I felt the darkness occupying my rationality. "Don't be scared, okay? You won't feel any pain. Mommy's going to feel all the pain for you." I spoke like a mad woman before taking my first step to freedom.
The cold water of the sea enveloped my feet as the sand underneath the waters welcomed me. It was comforting in a way that I will leave this world now. To know that there are no more days to look forward to, no more responsibilities to think of and no more feelings to deal with is just pure bliss.
Slowly, as the water rises to my stomach, I smiled as I thought of going to the void with my son. For once, someone will stay with me until the end. For once, someone is there for me. For once... someone listened to me without giving any comments.
"I would love to see you my baby boo... if only the world is a little nicer to us." I whispered one last time as the water rises to my neck. "We're finally going home."
I took one final step as the water invaded my nostrils. Unable to hear, feel and see anything, I know this is the end.
As my body sunk in the ocean and darkness enveloped everything– with me are the thoughts that were never heard, feelings that were never expressed, hatred that was never shouted and a heart that has never felt genuine love.
Whose fault is it? No one. My feelings are all my own, but the world is just too harsh for these feelings. Feelings that were always invalidated, laughed at and most of the times... forgotten.
