Let Me Keep You

Chapter One

"You did it, didn't you?"

"Dean-"

"You've done the ritual."

It wasn't a question. The evidence was clear, the chalk circle in its stark contrast to the tiled floor, the book lying open on Cas' bed, the remaining candles burning down, wax dripping to the ground.

There would have been no use denying it. Not that Cas would have lied to Dean anyway.

"I-" Cas breathed in, nodded. "Yes."

"You were gonna leave without even saying goodbye."

Not a question either. They both knew it was true.

Cas swallowed.

Because I knew I couldn't have left if I tried to say goodbye to you.

But he couldn't say that. So he just nodded again.

He could watch how the traces of worry hardened in Dean's eyes, making way for anger as his hands balled into fists by his side.

"Dammit, Cas! What the fuck, man?"

"Dean-"

But what could he say? What was there to say except pathetic excuses and hollow justifications?

Cas pressed his lips together, lowering his eyes to the ground. This was exactly why he'd planned to be gone without telling anyone, to be gone before anyone could stop him.

He heard how Dean sighed, how he took a step further into the room. He felt the warmth of Dean's hand as it settled on his shoulder - a gentle touch he knew was powerful enough to blow cracks in his carefully crafted resolve. But he couldn't allow that, he mustn't-

"What are you doing, man?"

The tone of Dean's voice forced Cas to look back up at him, even if it was dangerous to meet those deep green eyes.

"I'm sorry", Cas heard himself say. "I didn't mean for you to find-" To find out. To find me. "I meant to be long gone before any of you found out, so you wouldn't have to deal with this."

Dean's hand vanished from his shoulder. Cas was glad for it. A painful loss of contact, allowing him to breathe, to think.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Dean's brow furrowed angrily. "You seriously think you planning to sneak out on us to get yourself killed would- what? Make me feel better about it somehow?"

Cas shook his head.

"Of course not. I just...hoped it would be easier."

"Easier for you."

Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest, his mouth pressed into a hard line, a picture of accusation and defiance that pressed heavily on Cas' chest.

"Easier for all of us", he replied, but his voice was quiet, the words hollow to his own ears.

"That's-" Dean chuckled humourlessly. "That's rich, Cas."

"Dean-"

"You know I can't let you do this", Dean broke him off, and yes, Cas had known this was coming, had just been waiting for it.

Cas breathed out slowly.

Yes, he had known. The second he had caught Dean standing in the door, he had known this was what it would eventually come down to, that Dean would try to stop him, would tell him he couldn't allow Cas to go through with what clearly needed to be done.

That was just who Dean was, the Dean Cas knew and...loved.

But it didn't matter. It couldn't matter.