Hidden under nightmares

Chapter six

They wake up with bad heads and aching eyes.

They stay in bed, both drifting in and out of consciousness. Both disturbing the other with groans and huffs.

They rise just after noon.

When bladders and stomachs out cry their hangovers. Cas barely opens his eyes as he heads to the bathroom. Dean barely walks as he heads to the left over take away. Both feeling barely human.

Cas stands in the hot water waking up slowly, trying to pull himself together. He is half way through washing when Dean's words from last night flood into his head. 'Knowing you has been the best part of my life too.'

What?

The realisation dawns on Castiel. Dean was asleep when he confessed that. He was having a nightmare. He was supposed to be asleep.

He stands frozen in the shower. Confused. Unsure of what exactly it means. If Dean heard that he was awake. Dean chose to say it back to him. Why? What does it mean?

He is dragged back to reality to Dean shouting that he better not use all the hot water.

Cas dresses and shuffles out of the bathroom and towards the coffee and painkillers Dean has put on the table for him. "Don't you look delicate this morning sunshine" the hunter jokes, clearly feeling more alive now he has eaten. Castiel all but ignores him as he swallows the painkillers with a few gulps of coffee. He stays in silence as he sits at the table and Dean knows better than to attempt another conversation just yet.

They're both too fragile to even think about the drive back for most of the day so they agree to hang around the motel for a few more hours. Cas spends them in and out of napping while Dean calls Sam to keep him posted on the plans before he goes for a supply run for the journey back.

When Cas wakes up, he's alone. He rubs his hands over his face and lets out a sigh. His dreams had been swimming in thoughts of Dean. His confession to him, in Dean's laugh and smile, in all of him. Cas shakes his head, as if to disperse them, but Dean is still the loudest thought he has.

What does he know? How much does he know? How long has he known? Does Dean finally know the extent of Castiel's feelings for him?

Cas feels uncertain, worried. Filled with questions he doesn't know he can get the answers to.

If Dean had heard him that night surely he would have said something. Or was Cas misjudging the extent of their relationship and Dean didn't know how to approach the conversation? Asking Dean would be the most straightforward, logical thing to do. But this is Cas and Dean. And over the course of their long and profound friendship many questions have been left unasked. Cas has never questioned the lingering touches or the soft smiles Dean throws his way when he's 'not looking'. Dean has never mentioned the almost too long hugs or the noticeable softening of Castiel's face when he looks at Dean. The nightmare, or lack of, and the soothing words muttered would just be another to add to the list of untouchable conversations.

*

Dean comes back with a bag of supplies, he sits down with a coffee, hands another to Cas and informs him that the body has been taken care of, Cas nods along silently.

Castiel wants to ask Dean. But he knows Dean. He has watched before when the hunter has been put in an uncomfortable position or asked a difficult question. He has watched how he shuts off, changes, how the relationship between him and that other person shifts to something less than it was before. He does not want that for them. He doesn't want to live a life where Dean is always a step back from him. But can he live a life where Dean is only ever one question away from taking a step closer to him? Can Cas live with that unknown?