Well, here are the quotes! Enjoy!
P.S. They are in no particular order.
P.P.S. I will continue to update and post more quotes!
1. Whenever a bird poops on my window, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to show them what I'm capable of.
2. I love how in murder movies, the detective always calls out "Hello?" as if the killer's going to be like "Hey, I'm in the kitchen, want a sans which?"
3. Math: the only place where people buy sixty watermelons and no one wonders why.
4. I wonder what people would do if I walked into an aquarium with a fishing pole.
5. Friend 1: At least I don't obsess over my looks constantly
Friend 2: With that face, you should
6. Did you ever notice how we have noses that run and feet that smell?
7. Most Common Lie Ever: I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions
8. *When you meet your friend at the grocery store*
Friend: What are you doing here?
You: Oh, you know, heading elephants.
9. Unicorns can't fly. I can't fly. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
10. Waitress: Would you like a table?
Me: No, I'll just sit on the ground, thanks
11. *Breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend*
Your Boyfriend/girlfriend: You'll never find anyone like me again
You: That's the point
12. Parents: What did you learn in school today?
Me: Apparently not enough, because I have to go back tomorrow
13.
Person 1: I'm super hot
Person 2: I'm really athletic
Person 3: I can dance really well
Person 4: I'm very smart
Me: I can breath pretty well
Me: *chokes*
14. lol - drowning person
*lol* - drowning cheerleader
15. Friend 1: Why is it so quiet?
Friend 2: Because you're not talking
16. Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,
While you three argued about the glass of water, I drank it!
Sincerely,
The Opportunist
17. "You're cute when you're mad."
"Yeah, well I'm about to get really gorgeous."
18. "Hey do you like water?"
"Yeah..."
"Good, then you already like 72% of me."
19. "It's really hot I here..."
"Oh, sorry, should I leave?"
20. Boy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Girl: Thanks, what did you get me?
Boy: See that pink Mercedes?
Girl: OMG YES!
Boy: I got you a toothbrush the same color
21. Old people at weddings always poke me at wedding and say, "You're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
22. I like rumors! I find out so much about me that I didn't even know.
23. Me: Mom, come quickly, my boyfriend fell and he can't get up! Call the ambulance!
Mom: Oh, pick up your poster and shut up
24. If the Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men combined, it would be How I Banged Your Mother with Two and a Half Men.
25. I always thought air was free. That's when I bought a bag of chips.
26. If Europe uses Euros, shouldn't Africa use Afros?
27. WTF:
-Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
-Where's the food
-Why the face
28. My parents accused me of being a liar once. I looked them I the eye, said "Tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny" and walked away like a boss.
29. Color of your pants + last thing you ate=your band name (ex. The striped popcorn)
30. I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger with a briefcase, hand it to him, say "You know what to do," and walk away.
31. Popular Person: You're a nerd.
Me: Me? I ain't smart enough to be a nerd.
32. Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "What the heck are you doing?"
33. *That awkward moment when someone catches you dancing to a song in your head*
34. Friend: So I heard you like bad boys?
Me: Yeah, I went In the exit door at Walmart
35. I need a sixth month vacation, twice a year.
36. Teacher: Isn't this fun, class?
Me: So fun I could take a nap.
37. Girl while dating: OMG he's really hot and funny and awesome and he's like sooo cute
Girl after breakup: I never liked him anyways.
38. My dad used to tell me that the Ice Cream Truck only played music when it was out of stock. Well played, Dad, well played.
39. The first five days after a weekend are always the hardest.
40. "I'm a ninja"
"Sure you are."
"Did you see that?"
"What?"
"Exactly."
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Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Stupidly at Your Screen
RandomFunny quotes collected from Instagram, Facebook, my friends' real conversations and my own mind. Here to make you laugh stupidly at your phone, or to share with friends and family.
