Nothing's Fine

• 53: Lottie Bear •

I burst through the doors of the coffee shop and hastily walked down the street to Mason's car. He told me he'd hang out nearby and wait for me in case I needed to leave early. I thought I wouldn't need him to, and told him I'd stay and hear her out, which I did, but it was all too much. I was glad he'd insisted and was close by.

He might have seen me coming, as the car door was unlocked as I opened it on the first try. He watched me in alarm as I slid into the passenger seat. I wasn't sure what my facial expressions looked like and I wasn't sure if they gave away way too much, or nothing at all. I couldn't really feel my face... or anything for that matter. I felt oddly disconnected from my body and just wanted to lie down for a week and process all the information thrown my way.

"Charlie," Mason whispered, hoping I'd give some explanation.

"Can you text Emery, and tell her I can't tonight?" I whispered, handing him my phone. My voice sounded far away. Mason nodded and took the phone from me. He did so quickly as I buckled my seatbelt robotically.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly as he handed the phone back to me.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing would come out. I shook my head and stared straight ahead instead.

I was silent the entire drive back to Mason's house, unsure how to tell him what happened, much less to how to even feel. I barely noticed when we pulled into the driveway, or the walk up to his room.

It was after a few minutes of me sitting silently on his bed when Mason took both my shoulders in his hands and asked, "Charlie, what happened in that coffee shop?"

As I tried to respond, a sob ripped through my chest, startling both Mason and I. Immediately, he sat next to me, pulling me into his arms as the tears poured down my cheeks. He rocked me softly, planting occasional kisses on my head as I cried into his chest.

"It'll be okay," Mason whispered. And although I was completely overwhelmed, I believed him.

It took me a few minutes to finally calm down enough to be coherent. Once I was able to, I managed to explain what happened with Irene to Mason.

I could barely even swallow the idea that my father had been taken from me due to hate and racism. Because of his skin colour. It made me wonder if his skin colour had any contribution to a delay in his investigation. And for a split second I wondered if my skin colour was a reminder of him which is why it was so easy for my mother to give me up. Did her second kid look more like her?

It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that my mother had another child and had been raising her while leaving me behind. It was hard to think about the fact that she was so angry with me and that she was barely taking care of herself or her child.

"And through all that mess of information, do you know what caught me off guard?" I whispered. Mason looked at me, waiting for my response. "The fact that she called me Lottie Bear."

"Why? he asked quietly, brushing the hair out of my face.

"My dad used to call me that all the time. I mean, she did too when I was younger, but it was mainly a thing between my dad and I. When I was little I gravitated towards pandas thinking how cool it was that they were both black and white like me," I let out half a laugh at how simplistic my child brain was. "So, my dad gave me the panda bear; he gave me the locket that I ran back to get in the fire. He'd take me to the zoo to see the pandas all the time. It was our thing. After he died, my mother barely spoke to me, much less called me Lottie Bear and I didn't think I deserved to be called it anymore. When I got to the orphanage, I made everyone call me Charlie. If my dad wasn't going to call me by my name, then no one could. It threw me off when Irene called me that."

It was the first time I had ever told anyone why I went by Charlie.

Mason squeezed my fingers softly and kissed my nose. It brought a small smile to my face, and my heart felt lighter after telling him this. He didn't say anything for a little while, but let me rest my head on his shoulders. I didn't need him to say anything, because having him here was enough for me.

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Author's Note: Aw poor Charlie! 🥺  That is a lot to process! And finally we get to know why she goes by Charlie and not Charlotte. What do you think? Also, don't you love how supportive Mason is?

Let me know your thoughts in the comment! <3 See you next week with a new chapter!