Nothing's Fine

• 38: November •

The weeks in November began to roll by with a smile on my face and a slight wedge put between me and everyone I knew. I threw myself further into my track and school work, determined to do well in my races and get amazing grades. It didn't keep the constant nightmares at bay, but it was enough to keep me busy.

I still hung out with Mason and Emery, but it was a little more sparingly and a little more quiet on my end. In those times we'd go out places, I could see Irene watching me from a distance. At the mall, the movies, a random park... she didn't talk to me but it was unsettling to see her.

It made me wonder how she couldn't understand that just because she found me, didn't mean that all of a sudden, things would go back to the way they were. It wasn't how life worked.

In the last week of November, Linda decided to do some early Christmas shopping and asked if I wanted to tag along. By then, Christmas lights were up and the scent of pine needles and peppermint made more frequent appearances. I said yes, taking delight in the season and wanting to get gifts for Mason and my friends. Things felt as if they were calming down, but it was almost an eerie calm, like one before a storm. However, any kind of calm was one I'd take as it didn't come quite often.

Linda drove quietly, music from the radio filling the car. I mentally listed things I needed to get for people, knowing I'd have to sneak off to get something for Linda, Jay and Lorraine, or come back another time to do it.

As we shopped, Linda made light chatter about various topics, and what she'd need for her gift giving. That was until she turned suddenly and said, "Have you heard from Irene lately?"

"No," I said. While I had seen her, we didn't communicate and I'd like to keep it that way.

"Okay, just wanted to check. I know we haven't really talked about what happened," Linda began.

"I'm fine. It happened and it's over," I said flatly. Linda nodded and gave me a soft smile.

"What do you say we get those giant mall pretzels and apple cider once we're done here?" she asked. I smiled and nodded.

"I'll never say no to either of those," I replied, making her smile widen.

***

Christmas break was coming up on the Thursday before Christmas – a week before the wonderful winter holiday. The excitement of being off from school seemed to be slightly shadowed however, by Linda announcing on Tuesday morning that our house was habitable once again. We would be moving back that night.

This both relieved and terrified me. Maybe the distance would be good in a twisted way... It would allow me to be the horrible person I was, and further distance myself from everyone.

But with the distance came being alone and leaving me with my thoughts and memories. Being alone would lead to emotions that I didn't know I could handle feeling. And that terrified me.

"Want to go to the music store after school?" I asked Mason on Tuesday morning, after Linda's announcement.

"Sure," Mason said with a small smile. It almost makes my heart physically ache when I noticed this way his eyes lit up at the offer before he curbed his joy with a nonchalant response. I knew I'd been incredibly distant the past few weeks and while I felt awful, it was the way it had to be.

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his torso. He paused, hesitant and surprised for a moment before engulfing me in his arms. We stood like that for a few moments, then I felt him softly press his lips against my forehead. I smiled and looked up at him.

"We should go. We're going to be late," I mumbled. He nodded with a slight frown.

"I miss you Charlie," he whispered. I felt tears well up in my eyes so I looked down again as I blinked them away.