Athanasius Finch: Registered Flex Offender - ONC 2024

A Hotdog Is A Cake, And Other Lawyerly Chicaneries

Many words could be used to describe Peter Katz, Esq, and none would be particularly pleasing. Douchebag, charlatan, mountebank, take your pick. My favorite is Snollygoster, but he would wear it as a badge of pride. Most people call him a dick.

With his slicked-back hair, a dollar-store smile, and other hyphenated descriptors, he's one cool customer, if he ever paid for anything in his life to become one. His many douchy-but-barely-legal escapades had made him famous in the legal community, so much so that one could fill an entire book with his shenanigans if one were inclined to do so.

Indeed, he would make a better-fitting subject for a book series, but that would mean giving him the time of day, which I'm opposed to, as every time I talk with him I either leave the conversation with either a headache, or sudden unemployment. A streak that would sadly continue with this interaction. I will try to summarize the despicable deeds of one Peter Katz so you can understand what I'm dealing with.

Mr. Katz is, in short, a "personal injury lawyer," and with that, I mean that his main source of income was to injure himself on purpose and sue whoever could be remotely liable for his unfortunate "accident." He began his prolific swindling career like many other lawyers, by chasing ambulances. However, unlike most other two-bit lawyers chasing clients, Mr. Katz would chase ambulances for the sole purpose of getting run over by them, and then suing the hospital for the damages. Many things could be used to describe Peter Katz, and evidently, "springy" is definitely one, as he never sustained any lasting damages.

In one particularly infamous case, perhaps emboldened by his victories, not only sued the hospital for the damages but also the person being treated inside the ambulance, as he alleged that, were it not for the fact that the man was being rushed to the hospital after suffering a hearth attack, there would not be any need for an ambulance to pass just as Mr. Katz was crossing the street. He won that case, making him a millionaire overnight.

That was Mr. Katz's true might: not only was he willing to bleed for a case, he also had the wits to make the blood he spilled a business expense with his quick wits and silver tongue. After that whole debacle, he went on to bigger things, taking cases no other lawyer would touch with a ten-foot pole, just to flex on people. He famously argued in front of the Supreme Court on behalf of one Courtney Beefer, a.k.a "The Central Park Cannibal," citing the precedent of "you are what you eat," and that since he ate an innocent man, he was technically innocent as well. Fearing the repercussion that ruling against him would bring to both swindling health gurus and concerned parents alike, the court found in favor of Mr. Katz, enshrining cannibalism into law.

Other notable achievements include arguing that hot dogs were neither a taco nor a sandwich, but cake, as the bun contains sugar, eggs, and is baked, not to mention that sausages and eggs are lumped as proteins, not to be discriminated. No word in wether mustard and relish could be constituted as frosting. Since cake is a non-taxable product, unlike sandwiches, profits for hot dog-related businesses as a result. However, most people reading this would no doubt remember Mr. Katz from that one time he tricked a little, innocent, petite, and handsome MoMA worker into tripping him by accident, netting him a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the museum, and making said little, innocent, petite, and handsome worker to lose their job and making them homeless.

To some, he was a genius. To me, he was a dick. He was Peter Katz.

If there is a loophole, or even a technicality, Peter Katz will be there to exploit it. Not to mention that he already bested me once. It was the worst possible match-up for me.

But perhaps that was a blessing.

Peter Katz is to shady cases what flies are for shit: if it is stinky enough, both will swarm all over it. The fact that he of all people is involved in this case means that there's some chicanery afoot, and my job is to figure out what exactly.