Manticore Rampant

Ch 12 - Undue Process

"So, you know, once the High Council realised the cesspit of crime and corruption this city has descended into needed some cleaning up, naturally I was the first one they came running to."

"Grrrerff."

"Yeah, yeah." Fluttering beside Blompo as he stomped along the pavement, Barderim gave the huge creature's bulging bicep a pat. "And obviously you were number two, big guy."

"Hang on," wheezed Slash, from his position tucked under the troll's left arm, with Hobe squeezed in alongside him. "You expect us to believe the High Council actually gives enough of a toss about the welfare of the citizens of Quollo to spend public money—money they could otherwise be embezzling or using for bribes or just downright stealing—on employing a bunch of people whose sole job is to uphold the law?"

"That's what I'm telling you, Slashman. Although, you know, when you say 'bunch of people', it's actually just me and Blompo, for now. We've got big plans, though, let me tell you. Huge. And, well, we're also still kind of working out the whole 'law' thing. Sketching out the finer details, you might say. You know, as in, like, what exactly is a law? For instance, what am I gonna charge you perps with? Excessive leaping? Gratuitous swordplay with intent to cause bodily harm? Performance without a license? Lewd behaviour? Public unconsciousness? The list is endless, and to tell you the truth, just a bit confusing. When the Manticores were in charge, it was dead easy—they'd just decree this or decree that and the palace guard would pop off and behead whoever was necessary or maybe chuck 'em in the dungeon or whack 'em up on a rack or whatever and everyone went home happy. These days, nobody's decreeing anything much and it's all gone a bit freelance, so we've had to work it out for ourselves. I got some books out from the Great Library on the legal systems of other kingdoms, but what with being in charge of keeping the entire city in line, and this and that and the other, I've been a bit short of time, so I delegated the task of judicial research and the whole formulating a legal code thing to Blompo. By the way, how's all that coming along, Big B?"

"Mehrrgh."

"Right. Well, keep me posted. Anyhoo, the bottom line is, irrespective of those minor technical challenges, we're now one hundred percent onto the job of ensuring the criminal underworld of Quollo toes the line. Once we sort out where that line is, of course."

"One hundred percent?" gasped Carri, who was wedged under the troll's right arm, alongside the still unconscious and ragdoll-like Wonda. "That's not what I heard. I heard the bagmen bringing Lord Napallucci his cut from the illegal bookies down at the Arena got mugged once too often, so he hit up the High Council to do something about it. But then all the other lords and ladies with under-the-table sidelines of their own complained that if his racket got to have protection from non-High Council sanctioned criminals, then theirs should too. And once they'd all agreed on that, Lady Kay piped up and said that since the public purse was paying for all this protection, she'd veto the whole thing unless the public got a bit of it as well." She gave Barderim a pointed (and slightly blue-faced) look. "Sound about right, Mr Hundred Percent?"

The fairy's features took on a look of elaborate nonchalance. "Hey, what can I say?" he said airily. "Crime is crime. The law is blind. We don't discriminate in the pursuit of justice. Anyway, I reckon little Miss Unofficial here is just a bit sore because victims of crime used to have nowhere to go except to amateurs like her, but now they can bring their cases to us. You now, once they recognise our professionalism, our skill and our, you know, officialness."

"And that you work for free," said Carri. "I'm pretty sure that's what they recognise most. And no doubt they'll come crawling back once they realise you get what you pay for."

"Not to mention there's only two of you," added Hobe. He spoke in his normal gruff voice, the dwarven ribcage being sufficiently sturdy to resist even compression by troll. "You guys must be pretty bloody busy trying to cover all that palaver."