jeff, i am
full
of
shame
i am that little girl you probably saw in the courtyard
hiding behind bushes
feeling ashamed of her own life
i am that teenage girl with no hand in hers
all alone on a bench, writing and dreaming
only to forget
i am that young woman with friends and love towards herself
but still the shame
of the previous versions
the versions that were rejected
before having this brand new woman
beautiful, thin, deep blue eyes,
discreet, poetic, mysterious, hidden,
lonely, lovely, loving
but i had always been that person
people convinced me i had to be a little girl
hiding in a courtyard
ashamed of her own life
that little girl is full of shame
and her pillow is full of tears
her eyes are fearful, she's always been like this
crying in a carousel, stuck in a cabin
crying for a broken watch that her mom gave her
crying for the future, when all she will have left from her parents
will be boxes of perfume
crying, crying, crying
never reassured, never seen
hiding everything
because of the shame
the shame that she feels, always
the shame that will follow her
until reaching her grave
she doesn't want to hurt anyone
so she lets others hurt her instead
and when she will understand
that she is that beautiful young woman
she will start talking
with no shame
and people will tell her
"poor girl, are you crazy?"
you are crazy, you are crazy, YOU ARE CRAZY
she will say to herself
discreetly, as always
maybe i should have stayed hidden
crying in my pillow
sleeping with boxes of perfume
hurting but acceptable
lonely but not crazy
maybe i should have stayed that little girl
that everyone can hurt
maybe this woman is for another universe
maybe they will not know her
and know me instead
me
and
my SHAME.
