Flyover City! A Novel (with Superheroes)

4. Aside From That, Mrs. Lincoln...

Okay, so, somehow, I managed to get through the entirety of my last post, waxing incessantly about relationships, sex, TV, Freaking donuts, waa waa waa... and not once did I mention that absolutely kick-ass fight.

Did you see that shit?

No, I mean really see it. Not on YouTube the next day, cut together from news footage and cell phone photos and "dramatic reenactments", with the talking heads all giving their commentary. I'm talking about actually seeing it, as it went down, in real time, with those hold-your-breath, endless minutes of "Sweet Christ on a cracker, how is he gonna get out of that one?"

Even Gwen got into it for a while there, before she fell asleep.

Centrifuge: did that guy not - with that one dizzying leap, narrowly escaping Deacon Struck's deadly sucker-punch, landing atop that street light - completely bounce right off of the B-list? (Whoever got that shot on video is gonna be a rich man)

I had no idea. I clearly did not give this guy enough credit. "The Flippin' Idiot", indeed. That was probably straight from The Agency's marketing team. "Make the bad guys underestimate him". As if he needs it. When he was in full berserker mode, I turned the sound down and cranked up some Fatboy Slim. Kicking ass at 120 beats per minute - a thing of unparalleled beauty. Until your girlfriend starts yelling at you to turn it down, anyway.

Did you happen to catch this tidbit, buried in the rest of the coverage: if Centrifuge hadn't have been in the area, the only alternate was Joust. A guy with a "trick lance" and a souped-up crotch rocket. When you're on Larimer Square, sipping a cup of coffee - do you feel safer when one of those assholes roars by, dressed up like they're Japanese animation? Yeah, me neither.

Seriously, Halflife vs. The Velvet Marauder would give you better odds.

According to Wikipedia, Dr. "John Doe" is involved in an accident while working on top-secret anti-gravity / perpetual motion technology. A guy like that, you figure: ability to levitate, maybe lift heavy objects with his mind, right? A super-powered placeholder, basically. Good to have around in a fight, a real bore at cocktail parties.

But you would be mistaken. Centrifuge, man: this guy's got class, he's got style, he's got that certain je ne se quoi that makes him the perfect dark horse for your super team. His body's center of gravity shifts wildly when he's under stress, like the beads in one of those South American rain sticks, making the guy "flip-out". A Topsy-Turvy Titan.

And that, my friends, is a freakin' subtitle. Market analysis my balls.

But Joel, you say, he didn't even win the battle. Deacon Struck got away.

To which i retort: you, sir, are a dildo.

Centrifuge managed to save that tubby security guard - basically the blue light special of law enforcement - kept the cops from firing any bullets (which totally would have been deflected and put someone's eye out), and prevented any extensive damage to the surrounding property.

So the Deacon gets away with a couple of beakers, so what? It could've ended much, much worse.

Deacon Struck is no lightweight. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing scarier than a fire and brimstone-style fundamentalist preacher is a fire and brimstone-style fundamentalist preacher who thinks that superpowers are the work of the Prince of Darkness himself. And the only thing scarier than that is a fundamentalist preacher who somehow gets powers of his own (a radioactive dose of schadenfreude, maybe?) but decides, "Oh, these powers, these powers are a gift from God." This guy is in-freaking-destructible. He put Alphamale out of commission there for a while, if you don't remember.

Mark my words: Centrifuge will have full member status with The Agency by Monday morning.