Him-from personal experience

Update as of April 9, 2016

I feel guilty.

Guilt was that one of the many emotions that cause you to shut yourself out from others.

I never loved him, never did.

I was being the hopeless romantic who was blinded by all of the fictitious cliché romance novels I've read to think that this was true love, and I lead him on.

It wasn't puppy love, it was the desperation to have a significant other. Young and the reckless they say, it's true.

I was reckless and naive to get into a relationship when months later when I'm in as deep as it is, I never had true feelings for him.

I was going to end whatever was going on between us because I was simply not ready for commitment, we were too young and inexperienced. The last day of school was when I was going to message him that we should part ways.

But then he asks me to be his girlfriend.

On the very same day.

I was heartbroken, he was blinded too. He was desperate as well, he always said he knew how to wait but I always knew it was a lie. I'm sure he doesn't love me but forces himself to fearing what my outcome would be, not to be conceited or anything because it's the truth.

And I said yes.

Biggest mistake of my life.

When I said "yes" the word itself contained false emotion from me, it had no meaning to me and was hollow. I faked my reaction but of course he was blind and didn't see it, making me feel even more guilty.

I said yes because I didn't want to see his face when I broke him.

I didn't want to see his hopeful face fade into a face of disbelief and sadness.

So I faked being happy and saying that I could cry about it. I kept telling him "What if I won't go here next school year?" "I won't be able to see you." Which were hollow and empty as well.

What broke me even more is when he kept reassuring me while in an embrace that we'd make it through.

The countless times I forced myself to have feelings for him just so he could be happy.

But I just can't...

I don't love him.

I do not love Michael James Betito Belardo.

And that's final