Voices

c h a p t e r 1 7 : d a r k

L o u i s a

"But I see how this story ends. Where I won't stay. And where you won't forget." - Watercolors, Will Jay

Where is this going?

Where are we going?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter at all.

Our ending is the same.

Regardless of which path we take.

You'll leave.

And I'll be left all alone

In the dark.

Again.

*

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to go out with Sam today. I'm starting to regret saying 'yes'. I clearly was not thinking straight. What will we do? I just want to hide in my room, where I'll be safe from judgement.

Where I'll be safe from myself.

But I can't call to cancel on him now. I don't even have his number. Maybe I could tell him I don't feel very well when he calls, if he calls. For all I know, he could have been dared to invite me out today. Maybe he finally saw how unworthy I am and decided to stand me up.

I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I take a huge breath of air and close my eyes, pulling the covers tighter around my body.

I'll think about what to do when the time comes.

But I don't want to be that person who stands their friend up last minute. Friend? Are Sam and I friends?

This whole thing confuses me to no end and I don't know what to do. I wish I could be one of those people who can just brush these kinds of issues off. I've always wondered how it'd feel like to be an extrovert, to constantly yearn for company instead of solitude.

Is life more fulfilling that way?

I'd never know.

The sound of the ringing of my phone fills the air and I feel my heart skip a beat. Is it Sam?

I fumble around my bed for my phone and, without even glancing at the screen, I pick up the call.

"Hello?" I say, uncertain.

"Lou? It's me, Sam. I'm just wondering when you'd like me to get you. Or what time you'd like to meet."

He actually called. I was almost certain he'd stand me up.

"Uhh," I start. "In fifteen minutes?"

"Sure. Would you like me to stop by your house or should we just meet at some neutral place?"

"How 'bout the beach?" I ask.

It seems appropriate. The beach seems like our place.

"Sure. I'll see you then."

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye."

He hangs up the call.

I put my phone on the bedside table and lie back down, closing my eyes, collecting my thoughts. My mind is racing and I don't even know what I'm thinking and feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I nervous? Am I upset?