My Best That's Not Too Hot

How To Get Elected

Note to the reader: I wrote this some years ago, but it was never more appropriate than it is today. I performed this in various venues in Texas; it should be read/performed with a "beat," kinda jazzy. I used an accompanying soundtrack with one vocal track by me to which I harmonized with a combination of spoken and sung words. If you choose to perform it yourself (which I wholly support), do it as you feel it -- and please let me know! And if anyone knows how to get this to John Stewart, please do! I'd love to see him do it on his show!

How To Get Elected

It takes big bucks

cause the luck's with the clucks

with the cash,

the stash of tucks in the pocket.

That's the socket – the clock to set the

rocket of success,

luck's best

with big bucks sucked in trucked in

shucked an' jived

by ducks in dives,

in smoke filled back rooms, company cars,

bars and stars

wave to wars

of campaign cash.

Politico's noses

shows they knows

it grows on bottom lines,

in gas pump lines,

and prices rise with doves' demise.

The war's the star

and the star's on the cap

of the man with the cup

and the cup has the cash

and the cash makes the man

and the man is the company's --

and the company is measured

by all the men it keeps.

If ya gotta go politico ya oughta know the rules

It's the clues of the ruse

that the ruler rules the fools

schools the tool that cues the jewels.

That's the cruelest rule of ruses,

raises rows of purses roses,

fills the pool of fuel he uses;

but the one who sings the blues's

he that blew the rule of ruses,

drew the cruise of gruesome bruises,

cries accrued until he boozes.

'cause the wisest rulers realize

the rules rule the rulers.

And the wiley ruler rarely rules

relying on his muses,

skews the views of queued abuses,

hews the noose of grue he fuses,

screws the few his crew accuses,

whose neuroses fire the fuses,

stews the boos, the don'ts and do's,

and the ruler who peruses

which issue best confuses

when he waltzes wows and woos us

rules the gooses whey they chooses

or the news is:

He loses.