I asked myself several times, why the heck all of a sudden, truth came out too painful to bare.
One day, I was just waking up making everything so normal. Kahit pa ang totoo, hindi. Hindi normal na iwan ng mga magulang ang isang anak. Hindi normal na maaga akong naging independent. Hindi normal na wala akong kasama sa buhay.
Trials. Happiness. Sorrows. Lahat na ata ng klase ng emosyon naranasan ko ng mag-isa. I have nobody with me eversince. I've been longing for a natural love. Hindi galing sa ibang tao kundi galing sana mismo sa mga taong bumuo sa akin.
And now I know why mom has chosen to adopt Brittany instead of having me adopted for Tito Brad. It's because she wants to forget the mistake she committed to dad. What a truth to realize! That all along, kaya pala mahirap para sa kanilang bigyan ako ng katiting na pagmamahal ay dahil hindi naman ako bunga ng pagmamahal. Here I am believing that I was.
I was weakly walking along the corridor papunta sa unit ko. I found myself staring blankly at Radicus's door. Nakatulala na para bang doon ako makakahanap ng lakas ng loob but remembering how Radicus is involved on my current situation, pain stabs me too hard again. Too much to bare that I couldn't stand keeping him.
Then there's Carmela. Ang inosenteng si Carmela na noon palang inaagawan ko na. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do.
Pumasok ako ng unit ko na tila wala pa rin sa sarili. I turned on the lampshade beside the sofa. I'm fine with this dim light.
Kumuha ako ng aid kit. Nasugatan ang daliri ko sa piano kanina. Funny though I didn't feel any pain. Siguro ay dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman ko.
I went to shower. I tried blocking the negative memories. Somehow nagawa ko. I felt relaxed. Nagtagal ako sa shower ng halos bente minutos.
I wore my pair of Bugs Bunny pajamas with a hood. I wore the hood on my head. Saka ako humiga sa kama. Then I sighed. I tried singing. I sang ABC. The way mom taught me. Then I hummed.
Hindi parin ako makatulog kaya kinuha ko ang cellphone ko na kanina pa naka-off. Sunud-sunod pumasok ang mga messages mula kay Prim asking me if I'm fine. Ang dami pang exclamation points. I bet she's frustrated already dahil sa hindi ko pagrereply.
Then there's Radicus's messages. Hinahanap ako nito. Saglit akong napatulala sa cellphone ko. Muntik kp pa itong mabitawan nang tumunog ito. It's Radicus calling.
I answered it.
"He-hello."
"Baby..."
I closed my eyes. Umayos ako ng higa. I suddenly remembered how we made love last night.
"Hi." Pinilit kong patatagin ang boses ko. Act normal.
"I'm infront of your unit." He said. Bigla akong nataranta. I'm not so sure If I have the strength to see him without crying.
Besides, dapat sanayin ko na ang sarili ko. Sanaying bumalik sa normal. Gaya ng dati. Noong ako lang at walang ibang nariyan para sa akin.
"Are you still in your mom's? Nakita ko kanina si Prim. She said she drove you to your mom's home."
" Y-yes. Nandito nga ako." I lied. I have to close my eyes. Akala ko wala na akong mailuluha pa. The shower is not effective.
Hearing his voice makes me miss him. Damn! I'm so inlove with him.
"I see. Sana sinabi mo sa akin para naihatid kita."
"I-I'm fine."
"I miss you..." he said. I covered my face with my pillow. I am starting to cry again. I can't help it. Ang hirap. Masakit.
