Countdowns and Kisses (Trixya)

2

I look over at the clock, barely visible in the dark room, and guess that it's about four am. I can hear Katya's steady breathing and it calms me. I have the next few hours to tell myself this shouldn't have happened, won't happen again, I don't want this. But the pounding thought that won't let me sleep says I do, and have done desperately from the start. Maybe that's the worst part, knowing that this might be the one thing that I cannot talk myself out of. Maybe the worst part is knowing how Katya normally deals with sex, and having seen the line of men he picks up at shows, then is happy to never see again. I have to see him again, and I don't know how I could possibly avoid my best friend.

This is not how I wanted my year to begin.

My stomach is turning, and I almost wish I could tell someone about how I'm feeling right now, but my number one choice to spill it all to is curled up next to me, the sleeping source of my problems.

I could get up now, take my clothes, leave his apartment and run. It seems like a good idea for a moment, but then I don't think I could be strong enough to deprive myself of someone who has lit up my life for so long.

I feel movement next to me, and turn on my side to face Katya, any form of torture a welcome distraction from my rambling thoughts.

"Hey," he whispers, kissing my lips quickly, and with that I'm reminded that I'm entirely fucked. I'm standing at the edge of the cliff of whatever this is, and once again I just threw myself off with all my force.

"Did I wake you up?" I ask, also whispering although we both know we are alone in the flat. It seems fitting for this time of morning.

"No, I just... I don't know. Couldn't sleep,"

"Me neither," I sigh, turning again so I'm lying on my back. Katya looks over at me, like I am looking at him, and smiles. I can't help but smile too, even though just moments before I was scared out of my mind, because now the waters suddenly seem just a bit calmer.

Katya shifts so he's kinda lying on me, head on my chest, one arm around my waist, our legs tangling together. It's the closest we've ever been, not counting a few hours prior, but it feels right and I hate myself for admitting it. I look down at him, lying there silently.

"Why is your heart so fast?" he asks after a moment, talking at a normal level now.

"It's just... Never mind," I try to dismiss, but he twists around, untangling himself so he's resting on his arms, looking down at me. I can't help but miss the contact.

"You can tell me, you know?" He says, and I can faintly make out his look of concern.

"I..."

Can I tell him? Is it worth ruining our friendship, or this brief little moment that may well be over by sunrise anyway? Right now, it feels like choosing a lifetime of sleepless nights over an unanswerable question or potentially scaring away the one person I'd been selfish enough to want for the last few years. Maybe this is the year of getting what I want, or maybe it's the year of stupid decisions - the jury's still out on these first few hours.

Katya's eyes are boring into me, even in the dark. I prop myself up awkwardly with my arms behind me.

"I couldn't sleep, so I was... Thinking," I start, and Katya gives a slow nod to show he's listening. 

"About tonight, and, I was thinking, maybe too much, about... What tonight means. For us," My words are almost a whisper as I finish, heart somehow racing even faster.

"I didn't mean to make you worry," he tells me with a slight frown, arm moving forward to take my hand in a careful gesture that feels unlike the person I thought I had him down as.

"I guess, I mean... My track record isn't that great, is it? And I know you're more of a romantic than I am, and that is one of the many things," he pauses, "That I like about you. Because I do, I mean, like you,"

"As in like, or like like?" I respond before thinking, quickly ammending, "God, I sound like a middle schooler," as I collapse back onto the bed to stare at the ceiling once again, thankfully managing to keep our hands still linked.

Katya lets out a laugh, before crawling over to hover just above me, legs either side of my hips. My breathing hitches slightly as he leans his face down towards mine, moving slowly as my eyes flick between his lips and his eyes. Our lips touch for a moment, soft and sweet, none of the desperation of the earlier kisses. This feels like a kiss that will last. He eventually pulls away, smiling down at me.

"I guess I like like you, Brian,"

And right now, it's enough for me to pull him down to kiss me again, our bodies flush together as the final pieces of the puzzle of us fit together.