Love, Bitterly Sweet

Chapter Five

Max’s POV

It’s harder than I thought – maintaining my distance from Lily. She’s too much. Too interesting, too beautiful, too everything. I want to be around her. I want to hear her talking, laughing. I want to see her blushing. I want to know everything there is to know about her – her likes and dislikes, her family, her dreams.

But I can’t let myself get attached. For her sake, I can’t.

I can see the hurt in her eyes because I suddenly turned cold. I’m tempted to reach out again, but I stop myself. I can’t allow her to get close. She’s already closer than anyone else has ever been. I can already feel the cracks forming in the wall I’ve carefully built around my heart. I can already tell that the emotions I’ve kept locked up these past twelve years are slowly making their way out.

It’s too dangerous to let things continue the way they have been. She’ll only get hurt in the end. Not to mention how I’m probably going to feel too.

I don’t know what it is about her. There’s a buzz, an undercurrent of electricity, that runs through me whenever I’m near her. I can’t not be around her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and it scares me. It scares me because I now have something to lose.

I’ve never looked back. Every time we move, every time my mom and I pick up and settle elsewhere, I’ve never regretted it. Not since I was five. Not since I realized that I can’t risk making friends, can’t risk feeling close to others. It hurts too much and I learned my lesson the first time. But now, less than two days at my ninth new school, I want to risk it all just to get closer to Lily. I want to stick around, want to make friends – her friends, want to give my emotions free rein. I want to so much that it pains me to keep away.

But I have to think about what’s best for her. And what’s best for her is that I don’t get involved. Because I’m going to have to leave eventually. Because I’m not going to be able to follow her to wherever life leads her after high school. Because I have too much baggage, too many secrets. Because I’m not safe for her.

I close my eyes and clench my fists in frustration. Sitting behind Lily was a bad idea. Not only am I staring at the back of her beautiful head, but I’m also breathing her in, feeling her warmth. I’m tempting myself far too much by being in such close proximity to her. Even now, my fingers are itching to caress her hair. From now on, I’ll have to maintain as much distance as I can from her if I’m going to survive this year with my heart still intact.

I don’t know if it’ll be possible, but I have to try.

I can feel eyes on me so I open my own and turn my head slightly to find Dylan glaring at me. He was friendly with me yesterday, but in a calculating sort of way. For some reason, it felt like he was checking me out, making sure I’m an okay guy. At the time, I thought it was just to see if I’m good enough to become friends with, but now I’m not so sure. Now it feels like he was protecting Lily, just like he’s doing now.

The fact that Dylan’s glowering at me makes me perversely satisfied. It means that he’s looking out for his cousin, which means that she’ll be safe from whatever dangers there may be. I guess I’m that danger right now, at least in Dylan’s eyes. But I’m okay with that. It doesn’t really make sense, but if I can’t be the one taking care of her, I’m glad that her cousin is. As long as there’s someone looking out for her, someone with her best interests at heart.

I don’t get it – this feeling I have for Lily. I want to protect her, I want her to be happy. Whenever I think about her, my stomach feels like a pot that’s been simmering for too long, that’s been threatening to boil over.