Blue Moon (Phil Lester x Reader)

11. One last time

You dragged yourself up the stairs to Dan and Phil's apartment for the third time that week, feeling more sick with every step.
You were leaving in two days, and you had no idea how you were gonna do that.

The past few days you had started to doubt your decisions. But there was no going back, everything was arranged and this Saturday you'd take the early flight to America.

Phil opened the door, not knowing what was going on. He noticed your pale face, made a comment about it. You told him you were just feeling a bit sick.

'How was work today?' asked Phil when he walked back into the room with two cups of tea.
The usual, you told him. Boring, one customer, Jason got angry at you.
Phil sat down next to you on the sofa and put his arm around you. It reminded you of that night a few weeks ago, when he'd done the same, and you'd wanted to run again. What if Dan hadn't stopped you? Would you and Phil have stopped seeing eachother? Would everything have been over?
That would've been easier.

You and Phil watched a few episodes of your favorite anime, then Dan walked into the room saying he was hungry. He asked what pizza you wanted, even though he knew it already. You always chose the same.
About half an hour later you were all sitting on the sofa, watching more anime and eating pizza.
Neither of the boys seemed to notice how quiet you were. You sat there, staring at the TV, silently freaking out. This would be the last time you'd eat pizza with the boys. This would be the last time you'd pretend nothing was wrong. The last time sitting here with Phil's arm around your shoulders, the last time being able to glance up at him and smile at how concentrated he looked while watching the anime.
You knew this was the last time, even though you still had the next day to be with him. But you'd have to go home right after work, pack the last things, go to bed early.
The plan was to take a taxi to the airport, and make a quick stop at Phil's place. Tell him goodbye, give him the letter, then leave.
This was the last time you could snuggle up to him on the sofa. You rested your head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.
Steady, peaceful, home.

A few minutes later you got up from the sofa to get yourself something to drink. You asked if the boys wanted something too, but there was no response.
You made your way to the kitchen and filled a glass with water. You took a few sips, then put the glass down and leant against the kitchen counter.
You had to get your mind straight. It was overwhelming for you, knowing you'd leave the love of your life behind in less than 48 hours.

Yes, he was the love of your life. Never had you felt more safe, more at home than when you were with Phil, and that after such a short time.
Then why were you leaving? Why were you doing this?
Because you were scared. You repeated it in your head, over and over and over again, like some kind of mantra. You were scared of what would happen if you stayed.

'Are you okay, (Y/N)?' Dan's voice pulled you back into reality.
'Yeah...yeah I'm fine.' Your voice was weak and small. Not very convincing, to say the least.
Dan took a mug out of a cupboard and started making coffee for himself. You picked up your glass of water and drank the rest of it. It was silent as Dan waited for the water to boil.

Not much later he leant against the counter opposite you and looked at you while taking a sip of his coffee.
'I don't really believe you, (Y/N). I can tell something is wrong.'

Can you just stop doing that? It's annoying. If I say I'm fine, I'm fine.

'I'm fine, really' you said with a bit more confidence.
Dan didn't respond, again, but just stood there, looking at you while drinking his coffee. It made you feel uncomfortable, but it was either this or going back to Phil and risking that you would start crying your eyes out.

Suddenly Dan walked to the door. 'You can tell us if something's wrong, okay?' He looked over his shoulder and smiled, then walked away.
You felt sick. They were too nice, way too nice. You were gonna hurt them. They didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve them.

Phil was the only one left in the lounge, now looking on his phone, the anime paused. Dan had probably gone to his room.
Phil looked up at you with his big blue eyes and smiled. You didn't sit down on the sofa, told him you weren't feeling well and were going home. The expression on his face changed from happy to concerned.
You told him that you were just feeling a headache coming up and that you wanted to go to sleep since you had to work the next day. He agreed, said that that was a good idea.
You ordered a taxi, then gathered your bag and coat, said goodbye to Dan and went downstairs with Phil.
You waited for your taxi to arrive, holding his hand, looking in his eyes. His beautiful eyes. You'd miss those eyes.
You'd miss his smile, his warm hands, the way he smelled, the way he spoke, his hugs, his strong protective arms, the way he made you feel at home, the way he always looked at you.

How he rested his forehead against yours, kept looking into your eyes, squeezed your hand softly, and told you that he loved you.

Time froze for a second. All you could do was stare at him and smile, feeling the tears prick behind your eyes. He had said it.

You wanted to say it back, because you did love him too, but you couldn't.

You had to stand on your tippy toes to give him a quick kiss before getting into the taxi that had arrived.
He waved, blew a kiss. You did the same.

Young and in love.

But not for long.

~~~

The next day you said goodbye to Jason. He had known you were leaving. It felt amazing to walk out of the bookstore, knowing you would never come back there. The horrible years there were over.

You went home and started packing the last things, made everything ready for you to leave the next morning. You texted Phil that you were still feeling a bit sick but that you would see him tomorrow, added an extra heart to the message and sent it.

Your suitcase and two bags stood in the hallway.
It was real. Tomorrow you'd go to America.
Tomorrow you'd fulfil your dream.

Tomorrow you would say goodbye.