FLIPKA

Chapter Nine, Part Two

Dear Readers - since it's taken me so long to post chapters to Wattpad (work calls) I will recap.  Butters has either fallen down a mine shaft or been pushed.  After being out for a while she awakes to find the two supposed cowboys (Cal and Luke) who'd rescued her the day before standing over dressed like deep sea divers.  This time they claim to be "caveologists" - a term Butters had made up.  When they fall for it, she knows something's not kosher in the bat poop research field.  When they start speaking in code, she decides to play along.

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“See – she’s a wacko.”

“I have a message from the planets of the confederation that can only be relayed to the earthling known as Fearless Leader. Klaatu barada nikto.” 

“Lady, you are weird.”

“That’s a ten-four. No hurry, but this message must be delivered before the Mars-conjunct-Jupiter; otherwise the systematic destruction of Planet Earth will commence.” 

“Very funny, lady—we’ll get you out of here. Think she can make it up R 13, Cal?”

“I dunno. Can you rock climb, Ma’am?”

“Rock climb? Doesn’t this cave have an entrance?”

“We can’t take you out the entrance—it’s top secret. You’ll have to follow us.”

“I forgot to tell you that I am level four classified on all secret caves but unfortunately my ID was lost when I fled in the escape pod.”

“Then I guess, lady,” Cal laughed, “you’ll be climbing your way out. No proof of level four classification on secret caves means we’ve got to take you up the butt hole. Besides, that’s where our truck’s parked.”

They led me through a stalactite forest, carefully calling my attention to deep ravines on either side of our trail. Below I heard running water, echoing against the stone wall like an organ in an ancient cathedral, and every now and then, the song of wings fluttering. Bats, the caveologist reported. That’s what I’d landed in; what had probably saved my life—centuries of bat poop, now coating my backside. That’s what had fallen on my neck; poop from their sample kits. Apparently the government had come up with a new use for the bat poop (top secret, of course). 

Eventually we reached what appeared to be the end of the cave. There, against the cave wall, was a pile of boulders about twenty feet tall: damage done by blasting, I was told. On the other side of the wall was an old mine tunnel and ― fresh air!

“All we have to do is climb up this pile and go through the hole.”

“You’re kidding,” I chuckled.

“No big deal, lady,” Cal explained. “Just follow me and Luke will spot you from behind.”

“Spot me? I don’t know how he can miss me.”

“No, I mean, he’ll catch you if you slip.”

I took a good look at Luke. Late twenties, muscular but skinny. “If I slip, my advice to you, Luke, is to run for the hills,” I warned.

“Don’t worry, Ma’am. Luke and I were Navy Seals,” Cal promised as he bounded up the rocks like a monkey. Not so me. I had all the strength of a Raggedy Ann doll. Everything hurt and Luke was no help. Every now and then, disgruntled by my caution, he put his bony hands on my ample derriere and pushed me upward like I was a cow he was trying to dislodge from a creek bed. 

The butt hole was actually a small slit in the cave wall through which—they informed me (with straight faces!)—I was expected to squeeze. 

“What do you think I am? A tube of toothpaste?”

“Come on, lady. We’re almost there. You just need to slither through the hole like this,” Luke ordered, removing his backpack and attaching it to his foot with a cord. Then he flopped onto his belly and, imitating a crocodile, disappeared into the rock wall, dragging his gear behind him. 

“Your turn,” Cal calmly informed me. 

I got down on my hands and knees and started crawling towards the slit, “How long is this tunnel?”

“Only about twenty feet. Lady—get your rump down,” he ordered, putting his boot on my butt. “Get down on your elbows and slither forward like a snake.” 

I hadn’t slithered since I was eight. What if the opening wasn’t big enough and instead of slithering through like the two GI Joes, I got stuck? Bring in the winch and pulley, boys. We’ve got a supersized pickle stuck down here. 

“Slither, lady, slither,” Luke urged, shining a light in my face from the other side. 

“I’m slithering as fast as I can slither, gents!” I complained as I swam mostly on my belly over rock and dust, ripping my jeans to shreds and eating more dust than I displaced. 

“Praise be to God and Allah and Buddha,” I effused as we exited the bowels of the earth into the brilliant coral and gold of the setting sun. “Isn’t life wonderful?” 

“You can’t believe in both God and Allah,” Cal informed me coldly. The gents were busy disrobing, stripping off their headgear and heavy boots and tossing them in the back of their truck. We were on the edge of the mountain, looking out over a valley that appeared to have a trail of vegetation running through it, perhaps from a mountain-fed stream. Down the hill from the mine entrance were the ruins of a few wood structures, a small mining settlement gone bust no doubt.

“Right,” I replied. “You’re absolutely right. Thank you, Fod and Hal. Say, where are we?” 

“Can’t tell you that, Ma’am. In fact we’re going to have to put blindfolds on you now and take you back to HQ for your 2.8.9.” 

“Is that right? Where are your badges? Your ID? Any sort of paper authorizing you to detain someone?”

“Let me put it to you this way, Ma’am. It’s 7:00 pm and it’ll be dark real soon. We can point you in the general direction of the prison but I’ve got to tell you, it’s about a —I dunno, what would you say, Luke—two mile hike up and over those ridges and there ain’t no path. Or you can come with us.”

“Yeah,” Luke chortled. “You gotta ask yourself, lady. Do you feel lucky?”