The Woodlands (#1 THE WOODLANDS SERIES) (COMPLETE)

31. A COUPLE

Lying with Joseph by the fire, it was hard to concentrate. I needed to ask him a question, but I kept forgetting my words. His lips on my neck, his hand running up and down my forearm, the gold took over and I lost my place. I grabbed his hand and stopped him, difficult as it was.

“I want to talk to you and Deshi.” My eyes looked to Deshi and Hessa, sleeping peacefully, light snuffly snoring coming from the beautiful baby.

“Uhuh…” he managed, as he ran the tip of his nose along my earlobe, I shivered. “Stop it!” I whispered harshly, squeezing his wrist. He stopped.

“What is it?” he asked, unapologetic.

I looked over to make sure Apella and Alexei were asleep and whispered, “I think we should leave them.”

I could feel him shaking his head behind me. “No, we can’t. I know you don’t like to think about it, but that baby is coming. We will need Apella’s help when the day comes.”

I thought about it. “But she pretty much left Clara to die. What makes you think she wouldn’t let me die too?” If it came to that. I felt my body tensing.

Joseph loosened his hold on me and whispered, “You’re not remembering things clearly. You were in shock. Think back to that morning.” His voice was steady.

I didn’t want to.

“I can’t,” I said, feeling my breathing getting quicker. It was a strangling feeling. The idea of remembering that day squeezed the air out of me.

He pulled me closer, warm arms encircling me, lulling me into a false sense of security. “I think you need to.”

I closed my eyes. Memories of the darkness, the fire, the noise, filtered in. I remembered voices. They came back to me in snippets, pieces of time cut out and brought back to me, frayed and dirty.

“Come on, breathe.”

Muffled thuds, compressions.

“What can I do?” A calm voice, strong. Joseph.

“Put your hand there,” she said.

“Where?”

“Yes, there, push down. Hard. Harder than that. We need to slow the bleeding. Rub while you compress. There may be a clot.”

“Thump, thump, thump.”

The memory floated away, as did the voices, flying out the tunnel, softer and softer until there was silence.

“Oh!” I gasped. After I had given up and clung to the rails, disconnected. Apella had returned to try and save Clara.

Joseph was quiet for a while. He was stroking my arm. My eyes were heavy. I could feel myself drifting off. Then he stopped.

“You know, we had to pull her off Clara. She never gave up.”

Sleep was yanked away from me, like losing a tug-o-war, burning the palms of my hands. “And you didn’t either. But I did.” I could feel the blade turning in on myself. I sat there and let it happen. I was useless.

“You can’t do that. You can’t blame yourself. You were in shock. You need to realize that maybe, no one was to blame,” he said earnestly. It was so easy for him to see the best in people. I wasn’t like that.

“You loved her too. You didn’t go into shock.” I sounded like I was accusing him, but that’s not how I meant it to come out.

“I did. But, you…you loved her more. She was your sister.”

I sighed. To me, that wasn’t really good enough. And without Apella to blame, where could it go?

I felt this nasty, gulping feeling, like air going down the wrong hole. Acid rising. Thinking about Clara was too painful. I turned my head, and whispered angrily, “Will you…just, please. Shut up!”

I was annoyed at him. He was stripping away my ammunition. My reasons. Apella still had a lot to answer for. I wasn’t going to let her off the hook so easily.

“All right, easy,” he said, “Just promise me you’ll think about it.”

I was silent. I knew he was right. I supposed being together also meant I should probably listen to him, at least some of the time. I didn’t like the idea and I hardly slept thinking of ways around it, coming to no solution.