Sadstuck

Feferi: Keep Swimming

You want to know? What my life was like?
Well... It could get lonely at times. Right from my birth, I was kept away from other trolls because of my blood color. And once my lusus claimed me, it got worse.

The next Condescension. That's what I was. And trolls wanted me dead. For awhile, it was just me and my lusus. It took so much time an effort for me, getting food for her. She was always hungry. And, it hurt my heart too.

Making another troll an orphan just to feed my own. But if she went unfed, they would die from her terrible voice anyway.

I was greatful when they brought the boy to me. My age and a purple seadweller too. Practically assigned as moirails without even knowing each other. But he took a weight off my shoulders and took away my loneliness that the cuddle fish couldn't do.

But as we got older and as I got to know him, I found conversation exhausting at times. He was always going on about quadrants and killing the land dwellers. But like it was his job to help me, I had to help him as well.

However when it came down to it, it wasn't a hard decision to leave the pale quadrant with him. He just over reacted. We were still friends, just not moirails. I just couldn't understand his obsession with quadrants.

And a kind of awkward distance happened between us. Something that couldn't be breach easily. He'd always bottled up his emotions. I'd always told him it was unhealthy. But he was such a hard head!

He didn't like me in a matespriteship with Sollux either. Unreasonable! Just because he couldn't have me, didn't mean he should hate on Sollux. He had such a terrible past with what happened with Aradia. I could hardly imagine it!

...

Still though, I could never expect Eridan could be so cruel. It wasn't odd for him and Sollux to get into fights whenever they saw each other. But I still didn't like it getting physical.

Things escalated quickly and before I knew it, Sollux was knocked unconscious or even dead, and Eridan stood with a smoking wand.

What was I to do? Console my ex-moirail, or attack him. His eyes were like dead fish eyes as he watched me, aiming his wand.

Eridan wouldn't. He'd never! As much as we'd gone through together, all the fun times and sad times. I was seeing things, this was just a bad dream.

The strike was quick. Blink and you'd have missed it. I felt a terrible pain in my chest and heard the honking of horns underneath me. It was so hard to breath. Why Eridan? Why did you... Strike me?

Did you just view me as an enemy? All this time, were you just like the others? I guess, even you didn't want another Condescension.

Eventually, I passed on. The pain was gone, but I was still hurt. My world was dark again. A hole in my chest or a hole in my heart, I will never forget this Eridan.

The dream bubble was dark for awhile, but then there was light. I wasn't the only one here. I met others who were dead. Nepeta and Equius who seemed happy living in a dreambubble together, and Aradia who wasn't dead, but was a quide. I saw Sollux too! But... He wasn't reely dead. And left with her just as quick as they had come. Nepeta and Equius left too as their dream bubble moved.

I was left in darkness again. Alone. Abandoned. Wondering the same thing again. Why did Eridan cull me? The thought makes me sad and I try to ignore it. Success.

Time is endless here. I meet more dead friends. Tavros died too, and then other versions of my friends. I've met everyone except... Another Eridan.

It's strange, almost as though the bubble I'm in, doesn't want to see him. So it avoids them. Or maybe there is no version of him that had ever died.

Then, for some reason, I am suddenly dragged away from the afterlife. In both the good and not so good times. It was where I was supposed to be.

Suddenly I am alive, but not alive. Myself but yet, not myself. We are Fefeta and talking isn't r33ly necessary. We are )(appy, we are fr33. Not)(ing will disturb us in t)(is mew LIF--E.

So why again, must he come? Eridan combined with Sollux. We have mixed feelings about it. Arquius is there. They tear us apart. Why must bad things happen when I'm happy?

Alone again, lost with no perception of time or even who I am anymore. Someone, anyone, can you hear me?

Silence.

Please... I can't take it anymore... Anyone... Anyone will do

He calls my name out so faintly, I know I'm just imagining things. He'd never come to find me. He doesn't care anymore. I was just something he could focus on until he could find something better.

'Feferi?' It's louder. Why won't it just leave. I'll be okay, I will be. I don't need him. I'm strong, I have to be.

A hand on my shoulder. I refuse to look up.

'I'm sorry Fef.' I refuse again, I can't except it. His hand leaves me and suddenly I'm scrambling in the darkness. I didn't mean it, come back! Gone... He's gone.

'I'm here for you. Can we be moirails again?' It's not what he'd say and I'm so lost that I'd except any reality. I take his hand and go to such a beautiful ocean area. 'This is our home.'

Eridan is nicer now, and I'm happy again. I know it's not reel but yet, it's all I have. Please don't ever leave me.