Fallen Girl

Letter to my Life

Hi...?

It sounded clumsy.

Okay. 

Let's try it again.

HI THERE! 

I'm not dead yet, so I thought I'd write you a letter and I know it's a little odd, but hear me out. If I'm being honest here, firstly I wrote one to my mom and Scott too. Neither of them seemed right. I mean, how can I write a letter to the ones who can't control nor stop it. So here I am, writing to the one who is in the middle of it all. Myself. Not that I can stop it because... I can't, but this time it really seems right. Right?

The end is near. I can feel it. In fact, I can taste it. It tastes like blood. Sweet but salty at the same time. My life was never sweet until I fell in love and became the one thing I never ever thought I would be - a girlfriend. Scott is amazing. Okay, to be clear here, he is not just amazing. He's more than that. He is my person. Romantic, right? Right. 

And I can't imagine a day when my hands don't touch his and my head does not sink in his shoulder, feeling his fingers in my hair. No. Not the hair. I'm bald. I'm sick. I have a month or two left. I should be thankful for it, but all I do these days is complaining about how dead I am, though I'm not even near there. Well, now I am. Sorry for complaining all the time. Sorry for not seeing how beautiful I am when I smile at him. Sorry for not being happy with myself whenever I really should be. Sorry for not appreciating my time with family and friends. Last year I had none and now I have too many to count. I like to think it is because I seem cool not because I'm fighting cancer. They kept saying I'm wonderful, so I am, right. Right?

You know when I was a little girl and first get sick from cancer, I thought that God wants to see me so bad that he has to make it look good or worthy for Him - which means letting me enjoy every little thing in my young life before he calls me home. I never had a real dad since he suddenly left me, but I feel like I had one all long. God. The father of us all. And soon I can see Him in person. Or in some other way. Isn't that hectic? For me, it is. So tonight I'm praying for my last days on earth and looking toward to see Him after seeing the light. Mom repeats constantly that I am a pure soul and I am, right? Right.

Heavenly Father is waiting for me and I hope to see others too, like my grandpa and my cousin who also lose the fight over cancer. I'm not angry anymore. It is all okay. I'm grateful for my friends and family, though I couldn't spend more time with them. It is still all okay. I think... I think that I was only born to die at a young age. I fell ill of cancer when I was five years old and I knew all along it was meant to be until the very day I give up and die in glory. Hopefully. I deserve it, right. Right?

I remember saying to Landon once that I'm scared to live not to die. It is the truth. I was a bookworm and not really social, so it's a fair plan. Plan to die. Plan to leave this beautiful planet and get my peace. Not writing novels and getting married and exploring the world. I always dreamed to go to Italy. Well... now I can fly there as a spirit and I'm fine with that. Or starting to be. 

So here's my goodbye to myself and my life. 

I'm sorry for letting you down and leaving before my life even starts. I can't help it and I hope you understand. You always will, I know. I know that. 

With all my love,

Your sick side.