Quantum Parenting

Quantum Parenting. Part 5 - Stark Raving Dad

Part 5 – Stark Raving Dad

I heard a term recently which perfectly described my mental state after having the twins - Baby Brain. This is the condition most parents gently succumb to at some point a few months after the birth of any child. It leaves you in a zombie, trancelike state that can continue for years after your child’s birth and I suspect may eventually lead to Alzheimer’s.

Many parents (including myself) end up drinking alcohol to chill out and coffee to wake up and spend most days as a shambling, barely coherent, dark eyed and hollow shell of a human being, dependant on some sort of crutch (others include sugar, internet, writing, Wattpad, energy drinks, arguments with colleagues…) to get them through the day in a vaguely awake state... and by hell it can get vague… sometimes so vague that you end up listing out all sorts of random shite.

See below for details…

85.            The quickest way to get your teenaged son or daughter to stop listening to something is tell them to turn it up because you really like it and it’s cool.

Once they’ve finished pulling faces at you for using the word cool (not cool apparently if you’re over 18 even though people older than me invented it). You can really make sure that you never have to listen to it by starting to dance too (like your dad of course), particularly if they have friends around.

Five minutes of feeling like an absolute arse is worth it if you never have to listen to Justin Bieber (…insert alternate shite band name / artist here…) again, although you may need to have a shower if you’re feeling unclean after making such a statement / display of yourself, or go and hug your old Metallica album.

86.            You will at some point start dancing like your dad, possibly due to Justin Beiber, but more likely due to alcohol, often at a family wedding.

87.            Young boys revel in the fact that they can wee standing up.

88.            Boys do not need toys, they have a penis. This can be made to do many amazing things, as demonstrated by any small boy given half a chance, usually to a rarely seen female member of the family or their teacher.

89.            Girls smell nicer than boys at any age

Children can be disgusting. Boys however seem to almost revel in it when they’re young. For years I dismissed my youngest sister in law’s claims that boys are worse than girls. She has one girl and two boys and she always said that the boys were far more nasty. Until I had boys of my own I always thought that it was merely that my eldest niece was just kinda lovely.

Wrong (well she is lovely, but young boys are just bleaugh).

When learning to do the toilet thing, boys seem able to find infinite ways of making a mess. Whether it’s just the different equipment or just an innate capability for getting covered in piss and shite, I really don’t know.

We have two little plastic steps in the bathroom to allow small children (or indeed small adults) to reach the sink while washing hands, brushing teeth or whatever else you feel the need to do in a sink. My twin boys decided to use the steps instead of the toilet and both curled out a lovely fresh pile of steamy brown stuff.

Matching turds, smashing…

More recently they’ve worked out that while one boy is sitting doing his business, there is sufficient space behind the seated boy that the other can have a pee and they can have a chat in the toilet. Occasionally this turns into a pitched battle when the one having a pee manages to misdirect his stream down his brother’s back. We seem to find ourselves throwing small disgusting boys in the shower at regular intervals, clothes and all.