Quantum Parenting

Quantum Parenting. Part 6 - My Family and Other Animals

Part 6 - My Family and Other Animals

The title of this chapter is actually a book written by Gerald Durrell about his own life growing up with an obsession for animals and an incredibly odd family. I re-read it occasionally as it makes me feel more secure about my own existence as the only difference in many ways is the amounts of animals. I love my family dearly but as I noted at the end of the previous chapter some of them (including me) are pretty odd… meh (borrowed from my teenage niece) who wants to be normal. I’ve never understood the drive to fit in and be one of the huddled dispirited masses who wander around pandering to the latest trends in fashion, television, humour or anything else quite honestly. Screw normality; give me fun, give me food, give me beer and give me a family who make me laugh and think any day of the week.

And now for a ramble…

117.            Kids get attached to the oddest things and insist on taking them to school. Sometimes that even includes their parents.

For some time one of my boys insisted on taking his new lunchbox to school, even when he was having school dinners and it was empty. We’re not sure if he was hoping to get takeout or just loved belting his brother with it…

118.            If the family drinks alcohol, at some point a small child will end up slightly tipsy.

119.            Don’t allow young children to feed goldfish unsupervised. Goldfish don’t like mummy’s gin and tonic.

120.            You can often spot a parent of a new baby by the slightly stunned look, odour of sour milk and occasional vomit stain down the shoulder.

121.            Baby vomit trickling down your back is a feeling topped in the hideousness feelings chart only by treading in warm dog poo in bare feet. Never do both simultaneously.

122.            Children can handle death in a myriad of different ways, most of them completely unexpected.

123.            Potty training is alternately infuriating, funny, disgusting, irritating, long-winded, messy, and various other things, but is ultimately worth it as you stop having to use the mobile shit carriers known as nappies.

124.            Going to the toilet when you’re potty training is a performance. It is recommended that the star performer remains seated at all times.

The most incredible potty performance I ever saw was round some friends of ours. They’d recently installed a laminate style floor in their sitting room to replace the old carpet. When I asked why, my friend replied that I was about to find out as his young son walked into the room proudly carrying his potty.

The lad proceeded to strip completely naked in front of the spellbound crowd and then carefully ripped open the sticky tabs on his disposable nappy. Neatly folding the nappy and handing it to his father he stepped up to the rather smart looking blue potty, stuck his stomach out and placed his hands on his hips. There was a moments pause, a look of deep concentration and then a stream of sparkling urine arced gracefully in the direction of the potty. Well, roughly. With his hands still firmly planted on his hips he proceeded to repeatedly adjust his aim until his hips were gyrating faster than Elvis on amphetamines and the potty and several square feet of laminate were covered in urine.

On completion of operations, he wandered back over to his father, retrieved his nappy and then proceeded to mop up the area using his highly absorbent undergarments. He bowed, retrieved his clothes and hastened to exit, stage left, to get re-dressed while the rest of us recovered from the performance. Several encores were performed later that day…

125.            All parents get into the habit of sniffing their kids arses to see if they’ve dropped one. It’s better than sticking your hand in and finding out that way.

126.       At some point your child will end up going to the beach and will wander into the sea in a nappy.

I love watching small kids wander into the sea in nappies. They go in all happy, carefree and giggly. Then about half an hour later, they drag themselves back out of the surf like a Sumo wrestler dragging half the Atlantic behind them in their pants. If you want to see an exercise in determination watch a kid with nappy full of the Atlantic trying to get to his ice-cream (which will end up all over his face, with a picture taken of it).

127.       Your children will end up sleeping in your bed at some point.

128.       The amount of room a child takes up in your bed is inversely proportional to their size.

129.       Sharing a bed with a vomiting child is almost as bad as stepping in warm dog poo in bare feet.

130.       Kids take language very literally.

I called my boys a ‘dozy pair’ the other day after coming in and finding them trying to pull each other pants up over their heads or something equally vile and boyish.

The smaller one noted that he preferred apples, and that pears didn’t sleep.

131.       Even false farts are funny (give a kid a whoopee cushion and watch them keep a straight face, you can even get a whoopee Ap for your phone. Modern Dad =] ).

132.       Kids always like to chat when you’re least prepared to do so. Toilets, the bath, shop queues, in a taxi, while you’re trying to get money out of the bank etc.

133.       Kids voices can carry very clearly and the always time their most thoughtful comments with the maximum levels of silence.

Once at an airport, one of my girls remarked in a very clear voice during a curiously ill timed lull in conversation at an airport that the extremely large man in front of me had hair like a girl. Thankfully I was confronted by a champion weightlifter breaking into tears of helpless laughter rather than my daughter being confronted by someone breaking her father like a twig.

What a thoroughly nice chap. Nice hair too. 

134.       Facial hair confuses babies… honestly… =]