Against Her Will

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Tanner saw the panic overwhelm Temperance's green eyes. They shone with fear as she began to gasp for breath and try desperately to pull her hands from his grasp.

Tanner released his hold on her and moved his palm to her cheek. "Temp, come on now, sweetheart. Breathe and stay with me. Hear me out..." he pleaded. Seeing her this way broke his heart in two.

Slowly her green eyes met his and her breathing calmed slightly. She shook her head in earnest. "Tanner, I can't...."

Tanner's heart twisted in his chest. Damn his brother! Damn Yancy! Damn every damn person who had ever hurt this angel. If it were possible he'd kill them all but he'd done killed quite a few of them and killing Yancy would probably end with him back in prison or swinging from a rope--either place would mean he couldn't be here for Temperance and Jackson.

"Temp, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel as if I was pressuring you." Tanner shoved his free hand through his hair. "From the moment I first saw you I've been drawn to you. You are what I want, Temperance. I want to be your husband. I want to love you, cherish you, take care of you and help you for the rest of my life. I want to be a family with you and Jackson."

"Tanner, I can't," Temperance insisted as she pushed him away and stood from the chair, slipping past him and moving toward the door.

"Don't you run away from me again, Temperance. I deserve better than that. Stand here and talk to me," Tanner insisted.

Temperance let out a quick breath and squared her shoulders as she raised her jaw and met his eyes. There was that strength he remembered. There was that strong, able woman who had been beaten, raped, tortured and treated like trash and yet still had a spark of life inside of her despite it all.

God, he loved her.

"I was a wife once, Tanner, and I never want to be one again."

Tanner felt as if he'd been kicked in the gut. "Don't you do that to me," he whispered. "I am not my brother and you know that. You weren't his wife, you were his possession--his twisted fantasy. I want to be your husband, Temperance. Surely you've seen two people in love and in a good marriage before--surely you now that marriage isn't what you had with Trevor."

Temperance's eyes went far away for a moment and Tanner wondered what she was seeing. "My parents loved one another," she finally whispered. "But then he left for war and never came back."

"I won't leave," Tanner vowed, stepping forward. "Unless it's in a pine box I swear to you, Temperance, I will be right here."

"Don't talk like that!" she exclaimed, tears filling her eyes. "You won't die! You can't die! They all died!"

Tanner cursed under his breath when he realized what he'd said and how it must sound to a woman who, as a fifteen year old girl, had watched every single person she loved waste away and die right in front of her.

"Temperance, please, calm down, sweetheart. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry I mentioned marriage, okay? We can talk about it later..."

"No, I won't talk about it later either, Tanner. I'm not the woman you need. I can't... I can't do that..." her gaze flitted toward the bed before coming back to him.

Tanner shook his head. "All I want is you as my wife, Temperance. I want to share that bond with you. I want to be able to say that I am your husband and I want to love, protect and cherish you the way a good husband should... And sweetheart, I need you. I probably shouldn't put that on you just now but I need you near me. As far as that--" he tilted his head toward the bed, "--I don't need that. I won't ever push you for that. Anything physical that happens in our marriage will happen on your terms when you want it. I just want to be best friends, Temp. I want to walk beside you and share everything life has to offer. I want to help you heal and feel you healing me. I want to have a family, a life, a future--those are things I honestly never thought I'd find when I was wasting away in that Union prison camp. You gave those hopes back to me, Temp."

Temperance said nothing. Her eyes were wide and it was clear that her mind was racing. Tanner regretted instantly that he had voiced all of this tonight. What had he been thinking?

He'd been being selfish. He'd been thinking about what he wanted--what he needed--and he had pushed Temperance farther than she was ready to be pushed.

He took several steps back as a cool breeze, indicative of a summer storm, blew against them and tossed her red curls wildly. "I'm sorry, Temperance. I didn't mean to push..."

"I... I don't want you to sacrifice to be with me, Tanner..."

Tanner frowned. Was that all that was holding her back? That foolish thought that being with her could be anything less than the best thing that ever happened to him simply because they couldn't share physical intimacy? Tanner had learned in life that there were far more important things.

"Temperance, being with you could never be a sacrifice. You are a blessing and nothing less and it's time you realized that."

Tanner watched the storm of emotions raging in her eyes. She kept fidgeting with her robe and seemed torn between running toward him and running away. Tanner wanted to sweep forward and take her in his arms so the latter wasn't an option but he couldn't do that.

If they were together it had to be her choice. He knew that. She'd been pushed around and forced into situations too many times in her life.

Temperance took a tentative step forward and Tanner's heart pounded. She reached out and took his hand in her trembling palm and Tanner realized it was the first time since he'd returned that she had been the one to initiate physical contact--it might even be the first time since they had met so long ago.

"I'm not saying yes but I'm not saying no," she whispered, her eyes locked on his chest. "I need time, okay?"

"Oh, Temp, I'll give you anything you need, sweetheart." Tanner felt as if he could leap back flips right there on that balcony. She wasn't running away from him! "When you're ready to be my wife then you let me know. I didn't mean to make you feel pressured... I was just telling you my dream. You're my dream, Temp."

Temperance's lips trembled and then curved into the slightest of smiles as her eyes met his. Tanner was sure he was going to collapse right there and die of happiness. Damnation, she had a pretty smile!

"I love you, Temperance," Tanner whispered.

Temperance's mouth worked up and down several times. She swallowed hard and gave his hand a squeeze before biting her lip and then sighing. "I... I love you too, Tanner."

"Sweetheart, you have no idea how long I've wanted to hear that," Tanner admitted as he closed his eyes and let those words wash over him.

"Just... Just don't ever be gone.. Promise?"

Tanner smiled and laid a gentle hand on her cheek, "God himself is all that could tear me away. You're stuck with me, Temp."