Fallout Dreams

ava 02

by eight PM, mom had complained exactly sixteen times. if she found one more problem on her way out the door, ava got the master bedroom. "you're sure i don't need to spend the night?" mom asked.

"we're fine," mia implored and helped her into her coat.

"no need to rush, ma," ava said. "were there any other problems you found?"

"everything's perfect." mia opened the door and scooted their mother to the porch.

"did you check outside?" ava pressed. "maybe there's something wrong with the backyard?"

mom kissed their cheeks. "i know the house was a foreclosure, but it's an investment too. you'll take care of it?"

"yep," mia said. "we promise."

"and you'll do a good job in your classes on monday?"

ava bounced on the wooden planks. "does it feel like the porch is sagging? i think i see a nail—"

"it's fine," mia blurted.

mom stepped to the grass. "be good in college, miava. i left a pitcher of tea in the fridge... and remember, god is always watching."

ava sighed in defeat. "we know, ma."

"love you!" mia said with a smirk. "drive safe!"

suddenly, mom's heel spiked the dirt and she nearly tripped... but she found her balance, brushed off her jacket, and took three more steps toward the u-haul— "oh!" she exclaimed. "the tub's faucet is a bit touchy. be careful, i nearly burnt my gosh-darn hand off!" she unlocked the door and muttered, "the plumbing's gonna be a nightmare..."

"aaand," ava said through her biggest shit-eating grin, "i win!"

* * *

ava tried to be a good sister by forfeiting her victory and offering mia the master bedroom. "you'll appreciate it more," she said. but mia stuck to their deal and reluctantly dragged her boxes to the smaller room on the right.

an iron grid split ava's window into nine panes like a giant hashtag. there were no neighbors, but she still felt exposed to whatever creatures were currently inhabiting the nighttime woods. she solved the problem with thumbtacks and a purple sheet.

the oversized, wrote iron chandelier would have made more sense over a kitchen table... but here it was dangling above her bed. it was only a matter of time before she whacked her head on it.

she dragged her nightstand beside her mattress. layers of stickers still decorated the sides; rainbows and smily faces on the bottom followed by band decals and half-peeled confederate flags... then another red hog. her sister had an identical nightstand, but different stickers.

ava opened the top drawer to discover one of the plaster crosses from the gas station. she scratched off the price tag and read the verse: "surely i am with you always until the very end of the age." a note on the base read, "love you, ave. mom." she smiled and placed the cross on her nightstand.

ava pulled a tee over her head, got a whiff of her own body odor—do i really smell that bad?—and tossed the shirt in a box with the other dirty clothes.

in the shared bathroom, mia flushed the toilet and awoke a quiet cacophony of antique sounds; a sudden thunk thunk thunk like a brick tossed down a well, tapering off but never hitting bottom; a rush of something beneath the floorboards; a creek behind the closet like a cat screaming from another dimension; the soft patter of mia getting ready for bed.

black swirls of permanent marker embellished ava's full-body mirror. a list of names had been scribbled out near the bottom; cj, devin, bobby, and—covered in the angriest scribbles—jeff. she leaned the mirror beside the closet, then unclasped her bra and dropped it to the floor.

her eyes remained fixed on her reflection as she removed her jeans. when she stood straight and still, the marker doodles looked like tattoos across her chest.

ava braced herself for the last reveal. she breathed long, deliberate breaths. with the trepidation of a bride on her honeymoon, she slid her underwear to her knees.

the scar rippled from the top of her bikini line down to her thigh. where normal girls had hair, ava had a quilt of mangled skin that required tweezers to de-fur. ten months ago—the night of the spring formal—she was certain she saw her hipbone poking white and bloody through the skin... but the doctors said it must have been a dream.

none of ava's friends knew about the scar, but mia and mom—ava's nurses in the wake of tragedy—knew her crotch better than they knew her face. and then there was jeff, ava's temporary confidant; he knew but never saw.

for ten months she tried joking about it ("turns out sharks really CAN smell menstrual blood a mile away!"). she tried fixing it with a myriad of steroid injections and silicon gels. she even tried ignoring it.

her last hope was to confront it.

"i was in a car accident," she told the girl in the mirror. "i died... but they fixed me. i will have this scar for the rest of my life."

she massaged the pulpy remains of her pubic bone ("mons pubis," the doctors called it) and prayed her fingertips were breaking down the scar tissue.

"hey!" a whisper crawled up her legs and she gasped. "can you hear me?" it was only mia.

"uhhh..." ava scanned the carpet until she found a vent half-covered by her mattress. she pulled up her grannie panties, plopped to the bed, and said, "neat," into the duct.

"remember that time we tied string between two soup cans like in the cartoons?"

"we couldn't hear a single word."

"worst telephone ever."

"yeah... this is better."

"texting would be easier."

"but not as fun." ava pulled her blanket to her chin, hugged her knees, and inched closer to the vent. "did mom give you a cross too?"

"'god is our refuge and strength.'"

"comforting."

"i'll take it out of the drawer whenever she visits."

ava plucked the orange canister from her nightstand, slid a single pill into her palm, and washed it down with a swig of her mother's infamous peach tea. the girls already finished off the pitcher, but mom left a container of simple syrup in the fridge and a tin of black tea in the cabinet.

"one more day," mia said, "then everything's better."

ava turned off her lamp. her makeshift curtain glowed violet with light from the january moon. "goodnight, mi," she said.

"night, sis."

new sounds rustled through ava's anti-depressant haze; a gentle reverberation from the heart of the home... another creek... another thunk... rapid clicking like the wings of a broken cricket. then, raindrops on metal... the escalating blare of a car horn... the scream of wet tires and the clink clink clink of showering glass.

"go to sleep," said her sister.

"go to sleep," said the pills.

"sleep tight, pretty girl."