Fairy Tale Fail

Chapter 15 - Do not disturb

To his credit, Don did surprise me. I met him early that evening at the lobby and he brought me to the hotel's signature Thai restaurant, which had a stunning view of the river.
   I wore my new dress, a green halter that came down to my knees, paired with a knit jacket. The jacket was a good call because our table was on the outdoor terrace and there was a cool breeze. I looked great, felt good about the just-concluded work stuff, and my shoes were perfectly broken in.
   So yeah, I was in the zone.
   "You look great," Don said as we sat down.
   "Thanks," I said, accepting the compliment, with something that hopefully came across as modesty and grace.
   He looked great too, but he always did when he dressed up. I wasn't really overwhelmed.
   Another thing I noticed – and appreciated – was how attentive he was. As we went over the menu (wow, expensive!) he suggested dishes I might like. He was probably remembering the things I told him during those food trips I planned. He asked for a glass of wine for us, and confirmed with me if I still preferred red over white.
   "Yeah, I guess," I said, not so eloquently. But I was a little impressed.
   I asked him about work, because that's what came naturally to me. I knew he loved talking about it; his career was something he really cared about. But to my surprise, he didn't linger on that topic, and instead shifted to me.
   "You were here in Bangkok recently, right?" Don said.
   "Last year, yeah," I said. I cleared my throat. "After we broke up."
   "I remember you talking about us going here together."
   "Well, you weren't too enthusiastic about it."
   "That was the wrong attitude, wasn't it? I should have been more excited about it. Because you were."
   I liked where this was going. "It's okay, Don. I had fun on my own here, and you didn't have to want this, too. This was my thing, not yours."
   "Yes, but I should have made more of an effort."
   I checked his glass of wine just to make sure, and yes, Don wasn't intoxicated. He was completely sober as he was saying this to me.
   On the other side of the table, Don leaned closer. "I guess the point is, I want to apologize."
   At this, I took a sip of my red wine and smiled, feeling every inch a winner.
  
***

Don didn't just apologize, by the way; he had a monologue prepared.
   He started it when I was having my salad, and was still at it while I was halfway into my green curry Angus beef. Not that I was bored or anything; I was thoroughly entertained by it. I had already said everything in my defense over a year ago, so that night I just let him talk.
   It started with how, at first, he was so angry at me because of how some of our friends treated him after we broke up. Not that they ostracized him or anything (he was still friends with them after all) but how he felt that their opinion of him changed. In subtle ways, like how they hesitated when he asked for the phone number of someone they knew.
   I remembered that Charisse actually told her friend of how Don had broken up with me, how that could understandably make one wary of getting into a relationship with him. Did that happen more than once? What else did people say about him because of me?
   Eventually Don started dating people outside of our friends' friends. It wasn't the easiest experience for him. He explained this in his own way, but I interpreted it in mine. I knew that he was a guy who wanted to be liked and respected by everyone.  All his decisions in life and career were built on this. Being the new guy in any group meant starting from scratch every time, and I could see why it would be difficult for him.
   "I thought I was happy, but something was missing. I couldn't figure it out then, but I wasn't enjoying myself with anyone. I kept making new friends and going out, but something about starting over with a new group all the time made me feel that... I don't know, that they weren't really seeing the real me. And then I remembered what we had."
   We had fun, he said, because we were already friends. We had a lot in common. I made him laugh, and his friends liked me, and I liked them. He was wasting so much time going around chasing something that he had already had, and let go of.
   "Because I was stupid and didn't bother to work on my relationship with you."
   Wow. Just... wow. I asked the waiter for another glass of wine.
   That was apparently the end of his speech, and he sat quietly, waiting for me to respond.
   I cleared my throat. "Well... what exactly does this mean?"
   "It means I want another chance with you."
   This was it. This was why I bought the dress, accepted the dinner invite,  spent so much time on my hair, bothered to find the right shoes and the right shade of lipstick. Validation of the decisions I made in the past year and a half.
   I knew this was rare. I felt happy, like a kid in a theme park.
   But something was also nagging at me.
   "What do you think, Ellie?" Don said, after we ordered dessert. "I'm not sure what kind of relationship you're in right now, but I just wanted to take my chances."
   I wasn't in one. That was part of the fairy tale. The heroine didn't have flings on her way to winning back her true love. But I needed to know something first.
   "How many girlfriends did you have after me, Don?" I asked.
   He hesitated.
   "I'm not going to be hurt or offended or anything, I just really want to know."
   "Three, I guess."
   "And they all didn't last long?" That was obvious. "What did you tell them when you broke up with them?"
   That was a hunch, by the way. I wasn't sure if he would ever tell me if they had broken up with him, because he was the kind of guy who'd be able to rationalize it to his advantage.
   "They were just too different," he told me. "They all were."
   "What exactly did you say?" I asked again.
   Don acted like he was sitting on something really uncomfortable. "I don't want to go into everything, but the common thread was that they were all just... of different backgrounds. They weren't on the same level, like you and I are."
   If he wanted to shut me up at that, it was the wrong thing to say. "What do you mean, same level? What level are we both on?"
   "We have... we have the same values. We want the same things in our future. I know that because we talked about it, Ellie. I'm just sorry I didn't appreciate it before, when you told me that you wanted us to have those things together."
   "You actually told a girlfriend that you wanted to break up with her because you weren't on the same level?"
   Don lifted his hands in surrender. "I don't know what to say. I could tell that they needed me more than I needed them. But because of that I remembered you. And the future you want us to have together. I thought you'd be happy to hear that."
   "Something about their neediness reminded you of me?"
   "I'm not explaining this right," Don said. "It's... Back then, when you were telling me your plans and what you wanted us to have, I wasn't ready for it. But now I know that you had more character because you knew what you wanted. I've been with people who don't know what they want, or are too willing to change for me. And then I appreciated how you stood by your principles to me."
   Wait a second. Shouldn't I be happy? I was happy, giddy, just a few moments ago. But that was an adrenaline rush that was already starting to fade, like the rollercoaster ride I was on screeched to a halt five seconds ago.
   Oh, shit. I wanted the rush back, I wanted the feeling of having exactly what I wished for, but something was still nagging at me.
   "Did you love her?" I asked.
   "Who?" Don said, frustrated at the interrogation.
   "I don't know. Pick one."
   "I guess I did. I was the boyfriend, after all."
   "Then why would you do that?" I demanded. "You pretty much dumped me because I didn't want to change for you. And then you dumped someone else because she changed for you too quickly? You could have just said you didn't love her anymore. Why didn't you just do that?"
   But I knew the answer already. It was because good guys didn't dump you and tell you they just didn't love you. Good guys broke up only for very good reasons, and gave you the impression that everything can be fixed.
   "Don," I said, and by doing this I knew I had passed a point of no return. The rush from getting what I had wished for was gone, and only the satisfaction of telling him off remained. "When you tell a girl that you have to break up because of her 'issues,' if she loves you, she will think that all she has to do is change and you'll go back to her. But if you weren't brave enough to just break up honestly, then you're just being cruel."
   "Is that what you think I did to you?"
   "Isn't that why you want me again? Because you think I worked on the issues you told me you had with me?" I felt my voice start to go shrill, and I fought to keep it level. "I didn't change at all. These things that happened to me? I didn't plan them. I just started a job that I knew how to do well, and got rewarded without even trying. I'm having fun now, because I've been hanging out with people who enjoy my company and don't give me grief about what I should be doing. I've been confident because I've been meeting new people who find me interesting. When I tell them my passion is traveling, even if I don't make a lot of money, they find it fascinating. If you like me now because of this, well, I like me like this too. And I did it all without you."
   At this point Don began to realize that it might not go as he planned. "But I do love you. And I realized when you were gone that it wasn't fair to you that I demanded those things. Ellie, I don't know what I said that's making you angry, but in the past months I learned that I love you. I really love you. Can't we focus on that?"
   "But you didn't learn anything!" I said, shaking my head. "You did it again to the girl you just broke up with. You mean well, Don, but you're a bad boyfriend. How sure am I that you won't find another thing that's wrong with me and break up with me again?"
   "I can be better," Don said. "I obviously need to work on some things."
   Admitting to a flaw and wanting to change was something I never thought I'd hear Don say, ever. I said that I wanted him back and here he was.
   But then I remembered something. Let me tell you what being with a "good guy" was like: It was as if we were always watched, by disapproving eyes, or at least by his own judgmental self.  He was always the first to stop – and scold – himself for being less than perfect at work, at home, with his friends. He set arbitrary standards for his girlfriends. When we broke up, he said things like "I hope you understand where I'm coming from" but no apologies for breaking my heart were given, at least none sincere, because he was a good person, who never meant to hurt anyone, ever.
   But... didn't I want us back together? I admitted it out loud just weeks ago.
   I could imagine it. And saw that history would repeat itself. This was not "happily ever after" still, because nothing about us had really changed. I wasn't deliberately ambitious or driven now – my success was all a happy coincidence. And he didn't really appreciate me yet – he just got burned by his recent relationships and wanted to go back to his comfort zone.
   This was, and I could see it now, the Stepmother in disguise, handing Snow White the poison apple for the third time. I had survived that last two encounters, but believing it this time would probably break me.
   "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't believe that you love me," I said, after a long and deep breath. "I think you're on the rebound again. I wasn't good enough for you before, but I'm at least better than the last girlfriend you had so you're willing to settle."
   "That's not true, Ellie—"
   "Don, I still think you're a great guy. You're responsible, ambitious and we believe in a lot of the same things. But I'm not different at all. I'm the same person you had 'issues' with, and those haven't changed. I think I should be with someone who doesn't care about all that. You'll know what I mean when you actually love someone, for real."
   I didn't wait for dessert. I excused myself, and told a waiter on the way out to charge the entire dinner to my room instead.
   It was the least I could do, pay for dinner.
  
***

I didn't even notice that my hands were shaking until I saw the reflection on the elevator doors of my little sparkly clutch bag.  Like tiny disco lights.
   None of my plans covered this possibility. I didn't think I would ever be faced with a reunion with Don and say no. But at the same time, I felt so relieved. I may have rushed to catch the elevator but I wasn't running from something, I was running to someone.
   Someone in room 1123.
   Lucas opened the door and he was just in a white shirt and shorts. He had changed into sleepwear. It was his last night in Bangkok and he was staying in.
   Lucky me.
   "Is your roommate here?" I asked.
   "He's out," Lucas said.
   "Good." Not exactly friendly, and very impolitely, I kissed him. I crossed the threshold and let myself in, going up on my tiptoes and pulling his face halfway to meet mine. I gave it to him determined, deep, and somewhat sloppy. I messed up his damp hair further by taking handfuls and just hanging on. I tugged at his lower lip playfully when he came up for air.
   "Do Not Disturb sign," he said in the single second that I allowed him to breathe.

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Sigh. Hahaha.

This is the second to the last chapter by the way. The book is almost over!!!