Deen Queens

twenty one [becky]

Becky was humming to herself, hands submerged under soapy water as she washed the dishes from the foods her friends had prepared. The girls had tried to help, particularly Layla, but she refused. They had done all the cooking whilst she stood standing around, mouth open at what they'd managed to produce with limited store cupboard ingredients. She didn't even know that there was a lonely tin of chickpeas at the back of her kitchen and yet, Layla had managed to find it and turn it into something wonderful. What magic the girl had!

Becky hasn't really been able to help with the cooking and so, she did all the cleaning once the girls had left. She had wiped every surface down thoroughly and swept the floor for crumbs, until there was no trace of a meal ever having been created in this space. It tugged at something inside her, to know that her home was so lifeless most of the time.

As she dried the plates, Becky thought back to what she had told Mohammad and Layla's mother about her future ambitions. She'd said she wanted to go to university and study astrophysics, she wanted to climb all the ladders that life offered her and prove her worth. Just like her mother, Becky was very much of the notion that a woman should work. She should work hard to prove that she was just as good as a man, and a black woman should work even harder in a life that wasn't catered for her.

Becky had always been a feminist, labelling herself under intersectionality. She had always wanted to show the world what she could be. But then she thought of Mohammad's mum, who cooked and cleaned and loved her children every day of her life. Nada Hatoum lived and breathed her family but now Becky was wondering, was that such a bad thing? Nada had brought Mohammad and Layla up as probably the nicest people Becky had ever known. They were both so kind, so loving, so compassionate to those around them. They were so open-minded and not once had Mohammad said anything negative about her sticking her own nudes up on the wall.

She knew that he thought it was stupid but he had kept his mouth shut, understanding that it was something she wanted to do in that moment. That was the thing; the Hatoum kids were understanding.

Perhaps Becky had been wrong; whilst she knew her own mother loved her job, how much did Marie give of herself to the twins? She was so focused on her work that she hadn't even noticed Becky had new friends, or that Carter was spending increasingly more time in Karishma's bed than he was in his own.

But then again, she knew how important it was for black - and other ethnic monitory - women to break down social constructs in the workplace, to carve a name for themselves and their communities. She knew how essential representation was so maybe neither was wrong.

Both her mother, Marie, and Mohammad's mother, Nada, were fulfilling an important role. But perhaps by doing this, they were both being neglectful. Marie, towards her children, and Nada, towards herself.

Life was tough. Becky's focus had shifted slightly - during the time she had known the three girls, it felt like there was something more important now. Something loomed over her, not aggressive or frightening however. It was a feeling of calmness that she was on the verge of reaching, but she couldn't touch it. She wasn't quite there yet.

Becky switched the lights off in the kitchen, all evidence of a day of happiness cleared up, and headed to her room. The stairs creaked slightly, loud against the contrast of the silent house. She changed into her pyjamas, fluffy socks and all, and collapsed on her bed.

All the intense thinking had worn her out, and so she scrolled down her Facebook, Instagram and then Snapchat accounts in order to zone out of reality. Unfortunately nothing very exciting was happening and her attention wandered back over to the boy constantly lingering in her mind.

Fuck.

Why did she always have to think about Mohammad? Every thought seemed to link back to him, as though it was teasing her with what she couldn't have. Mohammad was far too good for her, as many stupid perverted jokes he made, she knew he deserved someone a lot... well, purer than her. He was too good and she could never be that person.