Broken

My Everything

I pulled out of Eren's personal space and gave him an awkward smile. I said a quick goodbye and reluctantly went to Jean, trying hard not to meet his gaze. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Get in the car. We're leaving. Now."

I shivered at the calm anger in his voice. It scared me the most when he was like this. If he wasn't coming at you screaming, fists flying, you were really in for it. I said goodbye to the others, pulling a fake smile I was sure they could see through. But thankfully, no one questioned me on it.

When Jean and I climbed silently into the car, I could feel myself trembling. I honestly had no idea what would've happened had Jean not stopped me. I just remembered Eren's eyes and the way his lips seemed to be pulling me in by a string. I almost slapped myself across the face, but I was pretty sure Jean would be doing much worse than that later. What had I been thinking? I had a boyfriend I loved, what was I doing leaning in to my best friend? That's all Eren was. My best friend. Yes, he meant the world to me — I thought my little performance earlier clearly showed that. But I didn't like him. Not like that. I couldn't.

We pulled into the driveway and I was suddenly ripped away from my previous disconcerting thoughts. Jean was silent as we entered the house. I went in first, not being able to bring myself to turn around as he shut the door. "Armin," came his voice. It was strong but slightly wavering. Like he was absolutely livid but trying to hold back and I visibly flinched at the sound. "What the fuck was that?"

"Jean, I'm sorry," I said, turning to face him and his fist collided with my jaw. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"

"I-I don't know . . ." I stuttered pathetically. Despite my honesty, Jean threw two blows to my stomach, making me fold in on myself. I guess he didn't like the truth if it wasn't what he wanted to hear. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW?! I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM JAEGER, BUT DID YOU LISTEN TO ME?! NO! YOU NEVER DO, YOU MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!"

A punch to the head, a slam into the wall. "HE'S NO GOOD FOR ANYBODY! ALL HE DOES IS RUIN EVERYTHING! I'D KILL HIM IF I EVER GOT THE CHANCE!"

The hair on the back of my neck suddenly bristled and I felt my fists clench. "Eren is the best thing that ever happened to me!" I yelled and the look in his eyes told me I had messed up. Big time. He kicked my torso and punched me repeatedly, blood dripping from my nose and into my mouth. After what seemed like eternity of blow after blow, Jean grabbed my neck and squeezed. It was like he forgot I was human. A human that made mistakes. A human that desperately needed to breathe. "AND WHAT WAS WITH THAT GODDAMN SONG?! THAT 'YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING' SHIT?! SINCE WHEN DID HE MEAN SO DAMN MUCH TO YOU?!"

I might've responded had I been able to speak. But I was too busy clawing at the hands around my throat, trying to pry them off and be able to breathe freely again. Jean and I lived together. We had been dating for who knows how long and we had just gotten home from a party with my friends. It was Christmas Eve. This was a Christmas present I really didn't want. And yes, I had no idea why I did what I did. I wasn't thinking. And that's just it. I wasn't thinking. If I had been, we wouldn't be here right now. But it happened and I was sure it never would again. Jean didn't need to beat me up to prove his point. He was upset. I get that. I would be to. What I did was a dick move, but I didn't mean to hurt him. And maybe he wouldn't forgive me even if he listened to me. But he wouldn't even do that.

I tried to ignore the pain with every attack on my bruised and bleeding form. I found my mind beginning to wander and eventually I went numb again. I felt hot tears burn my skin as they rolled down my cheeks, my pathetic sobs and whimpers every few seconds as I was hit again and again. Jean was yelling something at me, but I couldn't hear him. I really was a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. This was why Jean was so worried for me. I just got myself stupidly in trouble and never knew what I had done wrong. Only this time I did. I had almost kissed Eren. Why, I didn't know. But it didn't matter why. It almost happened, that was a fact, and Jean was upset. As one would be if they suspected their partner of cheating on them. But I wasn't cheating on him. I just had a problem controlling myself, especially with Eren. Things were just so easy. He made me feel like I could do anything and that added bravery sometimes made me do stupid things.

By the time Jean had finished with me, I knew it was going to take awhile to force myself to move. The metallic taste in my mouth was overwhelming and I spit, seeing drops of red freckle the ground. This was bad. It was really bad. My face ached from the punches, my body torn up and bruised, everything felt like it was on fire. Like I was burning somewhere in Hell for being such a horrible person. I felt my head swirl as I tried to bring myself to my feet, stumbling a bit on the way up. My legs shook as I limped down the hall, every step seemingly more painful than the last. I finally reached the bathroom door and shuffled in, taking a good look at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. Like I had gotten into a fist-fight with someone three times my size in an alley. But no. It was just my boyfriend beating me again. Merry Christmas to me.

I grabbed a towel and ran it under the water, lifting it to my face. I dabbed away any blood and tears I came across, wincing occasionally when I touched a wound. I heard myself whimper as I fought the screaming pain and couldn't help thinking how pathetic I was. I was a horrible boyfriend who wasn't strong enough to deal with the troubles in a relationship. I ignored warnings, did actions that got me in bad situations, and I tried to find excuses for what I did or said. But it really was entirely my fault.

Jean shouldn't be mad at Eren because we're so close and hang out all the time, he should be mad at me. I'm the one who apparently thinks subconsciously that kissing Eren is a good idea. I was just being stupid. I didn't think of him that way and I didn't know what prompted me to do what I did at the party, but it wasn't any hidden feelings. Or maybe that was just an another excuse.

When I had finished cleaning up, I trudged to bed, taking my time to slip myself under the covers gently so as not to cause any unnecessary pain. I sighed, ignoring the ache in my chest. I stared at the photo on my desk and how the glass shimmered in the moonlight. It was a picture of Eren and I the first time we went to the beach. I had been obsessed with seeing the ocean since I was young, so one long and otherwise uneventful day in summer turned into one of the best of my life. I took a moment to observe my face and the brilliant smile that was plastered there, as if it were impossible to remove. I was so happy that day. That was back before I started dating Jean, when Eren and I would go anywhere and everywhere doing anything we wanted to. When we would go on adventures together just to see what we would find. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

What had changed? What had happened to us? What in this world was enough to wipe that smile off my face and bring that incredible boy next to me farther away? Of course I knew the answer. I just never wanted to admit it to myself, to take a moment to grasp reality. And I still wasn't ready to come to terms with it yet. So, instead, my eyes drifted to the other person in the photo — the boy who had become my everything. He was smiling just as brightly as I was, his happiness so genuine it made my heart warm. It wasn't often that I saw Eren like that. Not truly happy. There always seemed to be something else — something deeper in his gaze that dimmed the familiar light. He was worried. Anyone with eyes could see that. Ever since Jean came into my life, he'd been more reserved. More closed off. Like he was holding back from something that made life amazing. The childhood joy had gone away, the dazzling smile fading slightly. I didn't really notice it at first. But ever since I told Eren about Jean punching me that day at the lake, it became more obvious. Maybe it started then or maybe it was just brought to my attention and I hadn't seen it before. But it was there.

It wasn't necessarily a change. Eren was still Eren and nothing could ever change that. But he cared for me. And he just became more cautious. More focused on making sure I was okay than anything else. Asking if I was doing fine or if there had been any more altercations with Jean. I found myself smiling softly in the dark. Eren really did care about me. Of course, I had always known that — we were best friends after all. But it became more noticeable. The constant worrying over my well being was a daily routine for him and that made me feel special. Like I mattered enough for someone to want to look after. To protect. And quite honestly, that's what Eren was doing. Whenever Jean got really upset and threw a few more verbal or physical punches than usual, Eren was my escape. When I fell, he was always there to pick me up and teach me how to walk again. I settled on this thought, wiping my swollen eyes and taking one last look at the photograph before silently drifting off into a dreamless sleep.