Broken

Walks, Talks, and Coffee

I was a completely dysfunctional human being and I wasn't sure whether or not I was okay with that. I had already proved myself to be a horrible boyfriend, but now I was just a horrible friend. Eren hadn't said anything about the attempted kiss and for awhile I believed it was because he hadn't noticed. But I was just lying to myself. I didn't know how dense he would have to be not to notice the way I was leaning into him and how intensely I was staring at his lips, but I could guarantee that Eren wasn't anywhere near it. He knew how people worked. That was his thing. It was like me and words, we just seemed to understand each other. I just got them. And Eren got people. He knew how they were feeling and he could read body language as easily as I could read words on a piece of paper. But if there was one person he knew best out of everyone in the entire world, it was me.

He had known me for almost my entire life. He noticed everything. From the twitch of a smile I tried to hide to the small bite of my lip when I was nervous. It could be so much as a certain tone of voice that I couldn't pick up on, and immediately he knew exactly how I was feeling — sometimes before I even knew myself. Most of time, it came in handy. Whenever I couldn't find the words I so desperately depended on, Eren could always put a name to what I was trying to express. So it saved me a lot of trouble. Usually. But not now. Not after what happened.

After the party, I pretty much ignored him. I honestly didn't mean to. I told myself it was a defense mechanism for the awkward atmosphere that would smother me if we were in the same room. But that wasn't it. Or at least, not all of it. I had spent the weeks following the incident held up in my room, hiding under my bed sheets, for two reasons. Firstly, I didn't have the courage to look Jean in the face after the beating. But the second reason is what scared me the most. And it could be explained in one simple question. Why?

Though honestly, it wasn't all that simple. It seemed like it wouldn't be too difficult to answer, but for some reason, that wasn't the case for me. It should've been I was living a fantasy and got too caught up in the moment, completely forgetting that I had a boyfriend. But that was an excuse. If I was honest with myself, there were really only two decisions I could come to. I either had a crush on Eren or I didn't. But even then, what I was feeling was far too complex to fit into those boxes. Of course I cared for him — he was my best friend and I loved him. I just couldn't tell if I loved him in a different way. Our friendship had always drifted somewhere near the line between a friendship and something more. But we never really had a need to put a label on it. In fact, that's how things had sort of always been.

When my sexuality came into question, I spent hours researching and trying to figure out who I was. But then I realized I didn't need to decide. I didn't need a word to define me. I just needed to live my life and follow whatever path I wanted. And with Eren, nothing we ever did or talked about needed any discussing or planning beforehand. We always followed our hearts and it was as if we ruled the world. Doing whatever we wanted, going places on a whim — that was always how Eren and I lived. No rules and no cares; the entire world was in our hands and we could achieve anything. And as I lay there, snuggled into my sheets, I came to a conclusion.

I didn't need to name how I felt for Eren. I just needed to remember how important he was to me and no matter what, I couldn't lose him. He was my everything. So whether we were friends or lovers, whether he needed space or time to think things through, I wouldn't care. As long as we were together, that was all I needed. We could figure things out as we went along. And wherever that took us was fine by me. Everything would be fine as long as I was still me and he was still Eren.

I let out a sigh and in a way I felt comforted. Even though my joints ached from not moving for days, I lifted myself up, feeling a little better about the whole thing. Though I wasn't sure I would be able face Eren that exact moment, I decided I would talk to him later to apologize or set things right or both. But as for today, I would finally get up, take a shower, and conquer one of my greatest fears for another day. My boyfriend.