Her Secret

twenty seven | one step forward, two steps back

Besides being briefly woken up to take my nightly medicines that Dylan of course brought over for me, I slept right through the entirety of the night at Zach's house. Unfortunately that means I slept through the surprise he had for me bringing a pout to my face.

"What's wrong gorgeous?" Zach asks as he makes a right turn, carefully driving me to the hospital for some chemo and meetings.

"I missed your surprise last night." I sadly say as I look down to my lap and will the tears away. It probably isn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be right now, but I might not get another chance to see what he had planned, and my exhaustion is making that fact ten times sadder than it already is.

"Don't worry your pretty little head, baby. We'll just have to do it another time."

Another time. I might not have another time is threatening to burst out of me and I barely hold it in. I've been making an effort to stay more positive but I still have my limits, and it feels as though the depression that comes along with cancer is really hitting me full force today. So planning for a future I probably don't have is past my limits.

"You know we might not be able to." I lowly murmur as I stare at my beautiful Zach and blink my tears away. My words break something in his soul, I can see it in his eyes and it immediately makes me want to take them back.

"I'm sorry." I quickly add, wanting to reverse what I just did. "It's just-"

"No." Zach tensely interrupts. "I know you don't want to believe that you'll make it out of this, but I have to. Because the thought of you - of you dead is something I can't stomach. The thought of losing another-" 

"It's okay, Zach." I quickly soothe, moving my hands to rub both his arm and thigh in hopes to calm him down. It seems to have worked, with his body now less tense and his hands no longer holding the steering wheel in a death grip.

Zach pulls over and faces me completely, looking more broken then he deserves to. He should be happy, always, and I hate that I'm the reason that he's so sad. Which is exactly what I tell him.

"I hate that I'm the thing that's making you sad."

A bitter laugh escapes Zach's lips as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"You have to know that that's not true." He says, with grey eyes so steely they hit my soul with a deadly amount of strength.

"You have to know that it is." I insist, not relenting. "I know it's not personal, Zach, but I'm sick, me."

"I can't believe we're even talking about this right now." He mutters, running a hand through his hair before hitting me with his steely gaze again.

"You make me so damn happy, Leena. A concerning level of happy. I turn into the cheesiest fucker on this damn planet every time I look at you. The only thing making me sad is that out of everyone in this fucking town, another person I love had to be the one to get terminally sick."

Love.

"And that might make me sound like a selfish bastard, and hell I probably am one but it's true. Me watching you, watching someone I love so fucking much suffer through something like this makes me ache. Me not being able to make plans to surprise you in a week without seeing a piece of your beautiful soul breaking through your eyes crushes me."

Love.

"And if you fucking die on me Leena, I will set this entire world on fire because I can't bury another person, not yet. So I'm about to be really fucking selfish again and ask you to tell this cancer to go fuck itself baby, for me. I need you to fight this for me."

By the end of Zach's speech his voice is cracking and he has a few tears streaming down his beautifully sculpted face, making his jaw seem sharper and eyes burn brighter, but it's nothing compared to the sobs I've been trying (and failing) to keep inside.

Reaching over, I bring Zach into a hug, needing to be held together by him right now. And judging by how he lifted me over to straddle him and how tightly he's hugging me back I'd say he needs the same.

"You're not selfish, Zach." I say as I slightly pull away to hold his face in my hands and stare into his eyes. "You're human, you're my human and I love you so damn much."

As soon as the words leave my mouth a weight is lifted off my shoulders and Zach is kissing me as if we're each others oxygen, as if he needs to reassure himself that at least for right now, I'm here and we're in love.

"Will you fight this for me, baby? Please?" He asks against my lips as his vulnerable eyes stare up at me, pleading with me to stay with him for as long as I can.

"I'll try." I murmur as I gently play with his hair and make no move to pull away from him. "Of course I'll try."

We are then surrounded in silence for a few moments until I realize that we've had a similar conversation, with similar promises made to each other just the other day. 

The thought saddens me, because mentally and emotionally it seems as though I'm not making any progress.

"I'm sorry." I murmur. Looking down at my hands trying to push the voice in my head that's telling me to give up back.

"For what?" Zach asks as he gently rubs my thighs and try's to catch my teary eyes.

"We had this same conversation the other day, I'm not fighting like I promised I would."

"Hey." He said in a now serious voice as he grabs my chin and forces me to lock eyes with him. "This isn't going to go away in two days, baby. Cancer or depression. And you are fighting, I can see it. We all can."

----

After a few more calming moments in the car, Zach continues driving us to the hospital. We're now late, but I can't seem to make myself care. Those moments were needed, and I feel like I've taken another step in the right direction.

I'm now seated in Dr. Weker's office trying to listen to him speak about my progress, or lack there of.

"We are seeing some improvement, but it's at the pace we'd like. I'm going to have to suggest that if her sessions continue showing the same pace of improvement this week that you be admitted full time, Leena."

Dr. Weker's words make me zone out, make me picture a world where I live in the hospital. I'd imagined I'd most likely die here, but I know living here would not help my mental state.

I vaguely hear my mom asking if it's really necessary, hear my dad pleading to find another way, but I know there isn't.

I then remember the promises I've been making, to fight. I think of Zach, and Dylan and my mom and dad and I know that I want to be here to witness all of the moments I can. So if that means I have to live in the hospital for a little bit, then I have to swallow my sadness and accept it.

"It's fine, guys. I'll do it."

Knowing I can't hear another word from this meeting I get up, will the tears not to fall and rush out of Dr. Weker's office.

Unsurprisingly, Dylan is waiting for me right outside the door with open arms. I already know his twin senses started tingling, making him aware that I needed him.

"What happened, Lee?" He murmurs into my beanie as I dig my face into the crook of his neck and we hold each other tightly.

"If my improvements don't come at a faster speed by the end of the week I have to move here until-"

Until I'm cured or dead.

But I don't dare let the words slip, I don't dare let them hurt Dylan anymore then he's already hurting.

Of course, his twin senses tell him exactly what I was going to say causing him to hug me tighter before he pulls away to fully look at me.

"Until you're better, Lee. You'll live here until you're better." He reinforces but his motivational speech is interrupted when his voice cuts through the air.

"Live here?" Zach says in a worried voice.

How do I tell him that it just keeps getting worse?