Solace

Chapter Nineteen

It was all a blur to Louis, mostly because of his teary eyes, but somehow, Harry got the broken boy inside, as hard as it was, with the use of careful touches and broken sobs. Harry was in front and Louis followed him, not looking up once and avoided skin to skin contact; he realised what happened and he realised, that, much to his dismay, he was still alive, and fuck. Harry, Harry, Harry, it was all Harry's fault that Louis wasn't in some happy, candy floss like place that screamed 'heaven'.

As soon as the main stairs of the institute were visible to Louis, his weakened legs somehow managed to gather up enough strength to escape from his stupid life saviour. He wanted to, needed to get away once again, escape the stupid labyrinth of suffering he was experiencing. Faint calls of 'Louis, wait up' came from Harry's direction but Louis didn't care, nor did he want to. He couldn't stand the thought of Harry using him for any more assignments, any more experiments. It all made him feel even more worthless, embarrassed to say the least.

The heavy weight planted upon his shoulders was starting to become unbearable, his body wanting to give up and lay still more and more, but no. He had to make it to his room and attempt, just once more and he was sure, so sure that if he hit the right vein, if the blade went deeper in than last time, there would be a smile upon his face, not for long, but until his heart stopped beating. 

His cuts hadn't closed due to the stupidly short amount of time and if he played with them a little more, he knew he would be gone, just like that. It was a plan, it was his final resort; he couldn't stand the pain he was forced to live with anymore.

Although it felt like his legs were about to give up any second now, he had to make it to his room, and he did. He slammed the door shut and locked it before falling down on his knees. Two seconds didn't pass and his back was against the door, whole body shaking with fear of the unknown. He couldn't move, his body not having the strength to do so, not even tears bothered to reach the surface. It was all rapid breaths and not enough air and no blood on his wrists, God damn it.

"Louis," his whole body froze immediately as he felt the door shake under his back, and no, no, no, "Louis, open up, please!" Harry's voice broke in the middle of his beg and Louis knew he had been crying but didn't feel sorry for him, not anymore. No more feelings. Not for Harry. No more Harry, no more anything.

"Louis, please, I need to know you're still alive," Louis made no effort to move, "Lou, please tell me you're alive, please," what gave Louis away was the sniffle which escaped and was loud enough for Harry to hear on the other side of the door.

For Harry, it was all sighs of relief and 'okay's and apologies and for Louis, it was all eyes screw shut, breaths slowing down one by one.

"Please, unlock the door," Harry whispered after they both lost track of time and Louis shuddered at the sudden voice from the corridor. He knew he couldn't let Harry in.

"I didn't know what I was thinking," again, some time had passed until Harry grew the balls to use his voice, "I - I mean, I'm a psychology student, Lou," and Louis didn't want to listen to it. 

Carefully, trying not to make any noise, he stood up on his own two wobbly feet, catching his balance quickly so that he didn't fall and cause any more attention and walked towards his suitcase where at the bottom of it lay a blade.  It felt cold and nice against his fingers and he couldn't wait to have it against his anxious skin again.

Harry's voice was barely noticeable at the back of the room and even though it hurt Louis even more to hear the sound of Harry, he found himself being drawn towards the door again. Swallowing a large gulp, he resumed his previous position, back against door. His head fell backwards, as if looking up to the sky to search for answers which he knew he would never find.