Derailed

Chapter Fourteen

Kelly's words stuck with me when I went to see Ben that night. I knew she meant well, but she didn't understand that it was more than fear and grief that kept me from letting my guard down with him. It was hard enough to look at myself in the mirror—I couldn't bear to see that same reflection in Ben's eyes. No matter how tough of an act I put on, I was hanging on by a thread and knew that it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge. I'd already hurt Ben once, and I didn't want to do it again. Of course, I realized that it was probably too late to change that. The first kiss we shared after I got back in town had likely sealed his fate.

Beyond my self-loathing and concern for Ben was the reality that I felt more whole than I had since Adam's death. Or really, if I was being honest with myself, since my Dad's death. As many good times as Adam and I had, in some ways I had been sleepwalking. The guilt had always been enough to keep me from really enjoying myself. I knew how ridiculous the whole exclusive casual thing sounded, but I was still scared to commit to anything more. I liked things the way they were, and I was terrified of ruining it.

We spent most of the evening talking in his room. Ben filled me in on the details of his fishing tour venture and how he planned to expand it to include scuba diving as well. It was fun to see him get so animated about work, and I listened contently, sprawled across his bed with my head in his lap.

I was getting ready to head home when Ben stopped me. "Would coming to see another one of my shows break our agreement?"

I looked at him, still naked under the covers of his bed, and a part of me just wanted to get back in next to him. "I guess not. When and where?"

"Thursday night at the Soapbox. It's a cool place in Wilmington."

"Do you promise not to play that song?"

"I promise." His expression let me know he was genuine. "I'll never play it again if you don't want me to."

"I don't want you to." I knew it was a big hit, but just knowing he was singing it upset me.

"Okay, consider it off our set lists permanently."

"Thank you. I'll see if Kelly wants to come with me." I pulled on my tank top.

"If she can't, let me know. I'll make Jake go with you instead. I don't want you sitting alone. God knows how many guys would be hitting on you. I wouldn't be able to concentrate."

I picked up a pillow and tossed it at him. "Yes, because I am so incapable of taking care of myself."

"I never said you couldn't take care of yourself."

"Fine. If you don't hear from me, assume I'm going with Kelly."

"Sounds good. So any big plans tomorrow night?"

"Oh yeah, hot ones."

Ben sat up straighter.

I laughed. "Chill out. I promised Kelly we'd go see some new romantic comedy. Tom won't go."

"Sounds fun," he said sarcastically.

"On that note, I've got to go."

"Are you sure? I could make it worth your while if you stayed." He opened his arms in invitation.

"As tempting as that is, I'm supposed to help Gail bake tomorrow, which means I have to get there at five."

"So? I'm at work that early most of the time."

"Yeah... but you were always more of a morning person than me." Of course Ben didn't realize I'd been making four a.m. runs a habit.

"Well, if you decide you want to come over after the movie, by all means do it."