This is the Erotic Book Club's club book with the stories and feedback for the 2019 session.
For information on how to join E.B.C., please check the current sessions' club book.
I found your story easy to get through and overall enjoyable. The dialogue was very cute and funny in parts, I really liked that. Love the interesting name of, Fleck for your MC. It's different and unique. You write very well in the male pov, that's not always easy to do. But you gave him a nice masculine tone that I appreciated.
There were some grammatical errors. Try using contractions to make text flow more naturally in certain spots. There were also some spelling errors and misuse of words, but all that is just editing.
The changing of POVs in the same chapter is always something I tend to dislike and so do a lot of readers. I would suggest writing a full chapter in one pov then switching in the next. Or completely switching to third person pov altogether.
Also, some of your paragraphs are quite long. Try cutting them down to makes it easier to read especially on mobile for people who use flip instead of the scroll feature. Chapter 3 is when that issue really stuck out. There were paragraphs that could have been 2 or 3 paragraphs, one right after another. A long paragraph every now and then isn't a sin, just try to limit them as much as possible.
I really liked the internal conflict to stay professional despite the attraction. It was hot, funny, and cute all at the same time. There was some great moment that could have been shown through dialogue instead of telling through narration that you passed up on. You might want to go back and add some of that in when you do a rewrite.
You do a nice job when describing intimate scenes. I kept waiting for something to happen earlier on. Some action that would actually require Grayson to bodyguard. That was what was missing for me. The entire story was them basically playing house until the last few chapters, it would have been nice if someone broke into her house or there was an actual threat to her life a lot sooner. Little things here and there that would have created a constant sense of danger. That would have made it more exciting, and I guess that is just what comes to mind when I think of a bodyguard story. So, I thought that was the kind of story we would be getting.
Fleck and Grayson are likable and I really appreciated how you gave her the insecurity about her looks and people only wanting her for her money. As a big girl, it is definitely hard to always feel confident and sexy as much as we try and as much as we have good self-esteem. Society always puts that little voice in the backs of our heads, so seeing that struggle paired with the fact that we knew Gray was genuinely attracted to her, made me sympathize with her.
In all, you have great bones set up in your story so far (and isn't that what a rough draft is anyway?). I think when you go in for that first rewrite, you are going to take what is already a really awesome story and make it incredible!
~T
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The story is about Fleck having a gorgeous bodyguard (baby sitter) name Grayden who happen to be as hot as the Playgirl magazine cover :P I must admit, in the first chapter, I'm already hooked. The writer knows how to used words to feel the emotions of the character. The description of the maid lead adds to your imagination that pushes you to like them too.
