I Am Nobody (phan)

15*Reconsider

Dan

I couldn't fall asleep that night, thoughts being uncontrollably drilled through my slumber. And every single fucking one of them was about Phil. Phil's Skypes, Phil's conversations, Phil's house, Phil's smile, Phil's laugh, Phil's eyes. I wanted to grab my thoughts at the wrists and tie them to fucking weights and drown them.

I sighed, rolling onto my other side for the dozenth time. The thoughts that were bothering me the most were contradictions against my own views on the world. I never believed in fate or anything alike, destiny and all that shit was complete nonsense, there was no way our lives were planned out for us because we have too much control. We have the power to make spontaneous decisions that cause sudden outrage across the country, or even world. But, what happens if those random actions were the result of the course of fate? Every decision we think we make against our destiny, actually leads towards it? Surely, if our lives are already mapped out for us before we even are born, there is less point to life than if every decision we make steers our own beings?

I groaned, tossing myself over yet again. How...how was it possible for me to sporadically start talking to Phil and begin this? What was I even supposed to call "this"? I thought I had him wrapped around my index fingers, pulling at his strings to manipulate him into thinking I was his only friend, but what happens if all the while I was only holding him loosely and he had me between his index fingers, and he was my only friend? Well, of course he would be my only friend, if we were friends. I never meant for me to think he was my friend...but how could I not?

It's just, what were the chances that I would choose someone like Phil to start talking to, someone who actually wanted to break down my lifetime-built walls to see who I truly was? Actually, who was I? I've spent the past handful of my years convincing myself I was this manipulative monster who could control whatever I put my mind to. In all honesty, I am, but I'm now realising that I'm also something more. And what caused this? Phil.

Him becoming my friend couldn't be my own doings, there was no possible explanation but some other entity being responsible for the causation of our meeting. There was no way I chose him to be the one who could possibly be my friend because...he was too perfect. That sort of luck doesn't fill my life. It fills others' lives who are appreciative and deserving of what they have, not newly adults who spent their entire birthday avoiding their family. I didn't want a birthday since the day my dad was arrested; I didn't like the idea of the familiar birthday routine of pancakes and presents with the four of us on the sofas being broken. So instead, I stopped my birthdays. I miss them, but they wouldn't ever be the same without Dad, and I don't want anything different.

I sighed before rolling onto my other, other side. I'd given up on the concept of sleep, instead taking out my phone and channelling to the cameras in Phil's room. Much to my surprise, he was soundly asleep in his bed. The gentle flutters of his breathing were close to tranquillising, setting me off into the beginnings of my own slumber. Just as I thought I could turn the screen off, he rolled over onto his side, revealing that his eyes weren't even shut, instead the enchanting colours clouded with an unsettledness that I couldn't help but want to clear for him.

I groaned, now knowing neither of us was remotely close to drifting off yet. Instead, I changed the tab to messenger and hoped we could at least find comfort in the other's messages.

12:03am - Can't sleep either?

12:03am - Nope, what made you think?

12:03am - Decided that if my body could sense you were relaxed, I would be too.

12:03am - Currently unsure in my sleepy state whether that's comforting or unsettling.

12:03am - I'm going for both and it came from me.

12:04am - What's keeping you up then Dan?

12:04am - The idea of whether or not fate is real.

12:04am - Oh, and why's that ;)

The message alone startled me, causing a cough rising in my throat. I pushed myself back into my mattress, gathering myself before answering with something just as suggestive.

12:05am - Well maybe if you could stop staring at me for ten minutes before we end our skype sessions, I wouldn't be clouded with inappropriate images of you.

Of course, I meant no such thing. I was firm on the fact erotic images as such had not passed through my mind, I was just desperate for a snarky response to his suggestion.

12:05am - Well in that case, should I satisfy you more before the end of our skype calls?

12:06am - I assure you no such thing is required, Philip. Thank you for the offer.

12:06am - Feel free to take it up w me anytime, Daniel.

12:06am - Thank you, but I suddenly feel overwhelmingly tired despite my restlessness this night.

I audibly chuckled, silencing my phone as I set it off to the side. It took me a second before I seriously started to consider whether or not he was in a lack-of-sleep induced flirt or if he was left in a similar state as I was after our call earlier. In all honesty, neither thought left me feeling comforted.

I was grateful when drowsiness began to crawl through my body, but not so much when my thoughts wandered back around to Phil. I couldn't help in my sleep-deprived state to ponder over whether there was something oddly attractive about Phil. But such thoughts couldn't be explored in the nonsensical mindset I found myself falling into during the early hours of the morning.