Searching For The Light

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I was on the balcony of her hospital room. I remember her saying how she'd have preferred a regular sized room, but her dad had insisted on taking the private, more spacious room. Her selflessness was one of the things that had made me fall for her.

Two nights ago, I was in the exact same place, that is, out on the balcony. But back then, my mind wasn't in ruins, and she was still there on her bed. She was still calling for me to come hold her hand till she fell asleep.

Two nights ago, I hadn't lost her, and everything was still perfect.

How insane it is that just two short night ago, I was happiest guy alive. The love of my life was going to be released from the hospital, all signs of cancer gone. We were going to live in the perfect apartment I had rented with the money I had saved up from odd jobs. Then, after I was finished with school and had saved up more money, I was going to propose to her. I'd get down on one knee on our rooftop - the rooftop I'd have spent days decorating and perfecting for our special night.

I would blindfold her and carry her upstairs. After that, I would set her down on the chair I had brought up. She would be complaining by then, demanding to know why I had carried her upstairs even though she had two perfectly working legs. Yet, even while complaining, she would have that beautiful smile on her face.

'Because I love you', I'd whisper in her ear, 'because I want to spend the rest of my life with the beautiful girl I fell so deep in love with.'

By then she'd she tearing up, her smile becoming wider, and her bottom lip trembling. She'd then lift her shaky hands up to her blindfold to untie it. She would open her eyes to see the pretty twinkly lights I'd put up for her. She'd see all the lavender candles, scattered across the rooftop floors, their flames shining under the moonlight. Then, her eyes would drift over to me. She'd see me in my sweatshirt and trousers, on one knee, holding the ring she'd secretly glance at when I would take her out shopping. She would bring her hand up to her mouth to hold in a gasp, and I'd say, 'So, will you marry me?'

I tightened my grip on the balcony railing. Just the night before the last, I was dreaming about a wonderful future with a girl I knew was too good to be mine. And now, here I was, my eyes bloodshot from crying all day and my sanity hanging on by a thread. This is why dreams can be such dangerous things: they smolder on like a fire does, and sometimes they consume us completely.

* *

I jerk awake. I push off the covers and run my fingers through my damp hair. I grab the photo frame on my bedside table. The old metal frame contained a picture of her. She was in her wheelchair because her legs hurt that particular day. It was a picture I had taken of her while we were out shopping.

I brush my hand across the picture, tracing her smile.

I close my eyes and think back to the day it all went wrong. I remember how in the morning, I had woken up to an empty bed. She was gone, everything was gone. Her suitcase and all the pretty paintings that adorned her walls were all gone. I remember how it took a few seconds for it to settle in how everything was missing. When it did, I had scrambled out of the chair I spent the night in and ripped open the wardrobe doors, only to find it empty. I was chanting soft 'no's' then, running around the room looking for some sign to prove my thoughts wrong. After realizing how she was gone for real, I had knelt down in front of her bed and had let the tears flow freely. I don't remember how long I had cried for but eventually I got up and just stared at her bed. That was when I noticed the piece of paper on her pillow. I had used the back of my hand to wipe the tears and snot off my face, feeling hope seep back into my heart. Silently praying, I had stared at the ink for a while before reading it. Written on it, in her dainty handwriting was: