The Weight of Us ｡ Peter Parker [3]

4 - Sad Hours

Sometimes it was easy missing somebody; your mind softened to the idea of them being gone from the world and life almost got in the way of all the grief and the loving and the missing. But sometimes, on those rare occasions, when your day was emptier than usual, that reality felt like a downpour of memories and tears and missing. Tonight was one of those nights.

Candles flickered on my wardrobe, my attempt at an illuminating night which would relax my bones and send me into a peaceful sleep. Soft and warm light usually helped with my nightmares and it created the sense that my life was delicate and soft and normal. I was just a girl lighting sweet smelling candles and reading in the flickering light. Soaking up my imagination in fantasy universes and world swirling romances about knights and elves. But that girl, the one I had created in the back of my head was not me. She was happy, she was whole. She was everything I was trying so hard to be, but sometimes, she seemed so far away. 

My eyes focused on the flames across my room, dancing and moving like they were alive. My thoughts were running away from me tonight, and even my binge watching of Grey's Anatomy episodes was not helping tonight. Thoughts kept flooding, swelling, rising in the back of my mind, and suddenly everything seemed too much. 

"Florence, you've got school tomorrow, what are you still doing awake?" My mother stood in my doorway suddenly, her eyes tired and her dressing gown tied tightly around her waist. I heard the gush of air she sucked into her lungs with the very sight of me curled on my side, tears dribbling down my cheeks. "Oh, darling."

So long ago, I used to cry alone in the shadows while my parents waited in the hallway, unsure how to comfort me, how to help with the pain and the anxiety that grew worse around one night in particular. They had been distant back then, caught up in their own routine of grief and deflection. Maybe that's where my deepest flaws came from, my parents. But now, things were different. 

My mother did not hesitate to move into my room, her arms wrapping around my shoulders and scooping me into her chest. She cradled me in her warm embrace, her hands smoothing down my hair and her body rocking back and forth. My tears grew thicker with her comforting presence and everything started to unravel. "I hate it, mum. I hate feeling happy. I hate knowing they're all gone and they can't come back. I hate knowing they'll not be happy again." 

My loved ones; the brother who had been taken too soon, the best friend who had given herself up to save our redhead, the iron cladded hero that had proved his worth with one final snap of his fingers. They were all gone and they were never coming back. I would never see Gwen Stacy laugh again, or hear my brother's rough voice or roll my eyes at something Tony Stark claimed loudly, always the beacon of attention. 

"I know, baby girl," My mother's hand tilted up my chin, bringing my eyes in line with her own. I could see the unshed tears in her eyes and I couldn't help but wonder how it felt to lose a son. Her heart had broken and it had almost destroyed our family. But here she sat, comforting me and soothing away the monsters in my head. "I miss them too."

I wiped at my chin, my tears a horrible mess on my skin. "I'm sorry, mum."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she said softly. "Feeling this way is not a weakness and being happy again is not a curse. You have to find the balance right now, and one day, the missing will not crush your heart. One day, you'll be able to think about them all with a smile, not tears."

Another heartfelt cry sounded from my lips and I gripped the ring around my neck so tightly, it left an imprint on my palm. "Sometimes it all feels too much and it just...it feels like I'm the only one and I'm drowning and nobody can save me."

My mother kissed my temple softly. "I'll make you an appointment with Dr. Potters. We'll get your session moved up, how's that sound?"

"Yeah," My voice sounded so far away. "That sounds good."