Nothing but Heartbreak

9. I'm not ok

For the week that Jade was on her honeymoon, I threw myself into work. I didn't let myself think about Harlan for a second. I was done letting myself obsess over him. I was moving on and it was only a matter of time before those feelings finally went away completely.

The morning after my best friend returned from her trip I found her at my front door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as I let her in.

"I'm here to talk." She answered.

I didn't know what she could be here to talk about. I had told Jade about my feelings for her brother years ago. She was my rock as I tried desperately to get over him and finally let him go. I had convinced her just like I had myself that those feelings were gone.

Obviously, that had been a lie.

"About what?" I questioned.

"I called my brother and he was acting all weird and you were acting weird the morning after my wedding and ignored my calls all week." My best friend explained.

"I've been busy, I don't know what your brother has to do with me but maybe that's something you should talk to him about," I said defensively.

"Don't try to bullshit me, I know you better than anyone else. I can tell when you are lying." She crossed her arms and gave me that look that made me fully aware she wasn't going to leave until I told her the truth.

"Maybe you think you know me Jade but you're wrong right now. I'm fine, I am doing fine." I tried to push her away.

I didn't want to talk about Harlan. I didn't want to have to admit it out loud, to actually say that I had lied all these years when I told her my feelings had never actually left. Even if Jade knew, which I had a feeling she did, I couldn't say it out loud.

"Ava I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong with you. Something happened, I don't know if it involves my brother but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. You know I've always been here for you, I've always listened to whatever you had to say and I've always come to you as your best friend and not Harlan's sister." I could see the way Jade was pleading with me now.

She came here concerned about her friend and I was doing nothing to help ease that worry.

"Something happened, I'm not ok but I don't want to talk about it." I turned away from her and walked further into my apartment.

I could hear Jade's footsteps behind me as she followed me through my home.

"You don't have to deal with everything by yourself. I'm here to help you deal with whatever you need me to. You can't just bottle everything up, it's not good for you." She argued.

Jade was one to push, I always knew that about her. She worried too much and it made her a bit pushy.

"Liam officially ended whatever the hell we were doing," I said dancing around what I actually wanted to talk about.

"Why? I thought things were going well. I know you guys got into a fight at my wedding but I honestly thought once you both were sober you'd work it out."

I sat on my couch leaving enough space for Jade to sit next to me.

"You know why it didn't work out." I couldn't look at her.

"Ava.." she sighed.

"I don't know what to do, how is it that no matter how much time goes by or how much he hurts me my heart is stuck on him?" I wanted to cry, I wanted nothing more than to have nothing to do with Harlan Shepard.

"You deserve someone that is going to allow you to be exactly who you are and is going to make you happy. I want to see you happy more than anything in the whole world. I love you to death Ava and that's why I'm saying this. You are stuck on him because you aren't allowing yourself to move on, you are pretending to but what did you actually think you and Liam were going to be? You had no interest in actually dating him just like you've never allowed yourself to get even semi-close to being serious with anyone you've been with. You never tried to open your heart up to anyone but Harlan and I think that's because you never really got the chance to try with him. You have this door open for Harlan that you aren't letting yourself shut because he never even knew it was open. You need to make a decision to either actually move on and fully let yourself open up to someone else or to give my idiot brother a chance." Jade said.

I sat there processing her words. I had never told Harlan how I felt, I kept my feelings a secret for years just letting him tear my heart into pieces with no knowledge of what he was doing to me. I couldn't blame him for any of it, he did nothing because he had no clue I was in love with him. And I could never stop loving him and move on without knowing if maybe he ever felt the same as I did.

I held onto some sort of hope that he loved me too. That what I felt wasn't one-sided. Now I wasn't sure if I could handle knowing the answer to that question.

"I'm not ready, I can't move on but I can't tell him how I feel. I can't give up before I even tried but I don't think I'm ready to take a chance."

"You don't have to do anything right now, I just think you should make a decision because obviously this is making you upset and stressing you out. I hate seeing you like this." My best friend reached out and grabbed my hand, letting me know she was here for me.

I knew what I had to do. I had to know, I needed to know what was going on in Harlan's head.

I just had to somehow work up the courage to let him back into my life.

A/n:

Sorry I missed the Saturday upload. I had to wake up super early to go to the beach with my family and I was so exhausted by the time I got back I didn't have time to upload a chapter. This might happen during my vacation which is coming up in a few weeks. You guys might miss some uploads from me but I'll try to at least post once during that week.

Anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did don't forget to comment and vote!!

-Cora Leigh