Ray Of Light

i should've told you

*two months later*

               "Hey, the family of the little boy who was shot yesterday asked us to come along to his send off gathering. It's outside of the church at 8pm, candles can be bought there, they're accepting donations for the local children's founds too" hank poked his head around his office door to see his detectives hard at work.  They all looked up sadly but nodded, "we'll be there" Kevin nodded, no one needed to disagree, of course they'd be there, "great" hank nodded then returned to him desk.  Jay looked at Emily with a reassuring nod before thy all got on with today's case since that work still needed to be completed no matter what.

"You ready?" Jay poked his head around Emily's bed room door, neither of them had officially moved into one place yet but they had a feeling it was going to happen soon, they stay at each other's all the time so it would make sense. Emily looked up and nodded, "yeah" she sighed and picked up her jacket. He smiled sadly, "there was nothing we could've done to stop it happening..." he placed a hand on her back as they walked out of her apartment. She smiled sadly, but both of them know words mean nothing when things like this happen, he was only 9, he had a life ahead of him...

                "Thank you all for coming tonight, Xavier would've been bouncing off the walls at the sight of this crowd. For those of you who knew him..." the deceased boys mother started talking about the kind of kid Xavier was, it brought tears to everyone's eyes.   The whole unit was stood in one long row in the middle of the large crowd, every single person was holding a fake candle since real ones would've been a safety hazard in this weather, yet it was the thought that counts.  The speeches and memorials went on for about 30 minutes and no one left, everyone was engrossed in the stories this middle aged woman told about her son, it was saddening to say the least...

              Suddenly, once the woman had ended the talking section, a huge whistle and a bang could be heard followed by gasps and mumbles of admiration as everyone eyes took to the sky.  All apart from the little children who were too small for the loud noises, and Emily...

                The fireworks kept on coming, one after the other, bright colors filled the sky as bangs and fizzling noises erupted from every direction.  Emily jumped at the sound and tried her best to stay calm but her breathing was starting to get tougher and she couldn't control herself. She quickly turned to jay and tucked herself into his chest before putting her fingers into her ears to muffle the loud bangs which were proving to scare her. Jay looked at the unit as they shot him confused glares, yet it was too loud to ask her what was going on, so he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Although he didn't know what was wrong, he had a pretty good idea, ptsd...

                Surprisingly, the firework display went on for a solid 10 minutes, which meant a solid 10 minutes of jay holding his shaking girlfriend while he still didn't have a verbal confirmation as to what was going on.  The fireworks ended as the clouds of  smoke and spark debris fell to the floor, the crowd erupted into chatter of awe and many ooo's and ahh's could be heard from every direction.

               "Em?" Jay whispered into her ear as he pulled Emily closer.  She let out a shaky breath, "I didn't expect that..." she managed to whisper back and jay knew in that moment that it was her ptsd, but he could understand; she was a jet pilot, the fireworks sounded a lot like the planes engines when they take off. Hank looked at hank and the team who were both rather concerned and confused, "ptsd" he mouthed to them. They all sort of mouthed words of realisation then stopped staring at her to give her some personal space, jay pulled away to see the pure look of dread on Emily's now pale face. He pulled her fingers out of her ears so she could fully hear him, "you're okay..." he smiled sadly. She nodded weakly as a tear rolled down her face.

"I should've told you I'm scared of fireworks, sorry..." she shook her head. He frowned, "hey it's alright, it's over now, no one knew they were gonna go off. You feeling okay?" He rubbed her hand reassuringly. She nodded and brought her usual small smile to her face, "I'm okay" she sighed. He smiled back, "let's go give our condolences then we'll go home yeah?" He nodded. She smiled thankfully, "yeah..." she whispered back.

                 After saying their condolences and saying goodbye to the unit, they decided to head back to Emily's place since it was bigger and she probably wanted her own bed if nothing else.  She opened the door with a click of the lock and pushed it open to reveal a cold apartment, "imma go turn the heating on" she spoke quietly without looking at him then walked down the hall towards the closet.  Jay frowned, this is the first time he's ever seen her deal with her ptsd, she's helped him with nightmares many times yet he's never actually seen her struggle, this was a first.  It was almost as if she tries her best to keep her struggles to herself.

"You hungry?" He poked his head around the hallway corner. She continued to turn the heating on, "I don't really have an appetite" she kept her eyes away from him again, jays never seen her like this before, not once has she shut down on him.  He frowned but left her to it since he wanted her to deal with whatever she was dealing with upstairs before talking to him, she needs space and that's what he's going to give her.  After about 5 minutes or making sure nothing was blocking the heating system in the closet since it was the first time she's needed to put it on in months, she returned to the living room to see jay sat on the couch with a beer just watching TV.

                 She sat down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder, "talk to me" he wrapped his arms around her.  She let out a deep sigh, "I thought I was over all of my fears, you know, I thought I could be normal again but clearly not..." she sounded defeated.  "Just because you have fears doesn't mean you're not normal, everyone's a little broken em, that doesn't change anything" he traced circles on her shoulder. She stayed silent for a few seconds, "do you still have fears?" She looked up at him. He smiled sadly and nodded, "oh definitely, I still can't go to my old units graves because it brings up too many memories, but that's okay because I know one day I'll get over it and I can go see them, just like one day you'll get over your fear of fireworks and we can have a nice picnic on the Fourth of July" he smiled again.

She smiled back, "how'd you always know what to say?" She let out a small laugh. He laughed too, "who knows? I'm usually the one asking you that" he planted a gentle kiss on her forehead. She laughed and nodded, he's not wrong. He smiled back, "so, you still have no appetite or should I call for a takeaway?" He wiggled his eyebrows. She laughed, "takeaway sounds good" she smiled, it's crazy how talking about things can instantly take a weight off her shoulders, she's thankful for jay, and she always will be.