Sweetheart under the moonlight

Dilemma

~Viraj~

Life seems absolutely perfect when you have the person you love beside you, even if you have nothing else in your hands. That's what I felt whenever Maithili was near me. It had been months we were helping each other grow and heal. Through the months, we became best friends. Both of us had no one in this world to call our own. All we had was each other.

It was my birthday. I didn't tell Maithili about it but she was clever enough to find it out. Instead of asking me for a grand party, she invited me over to her house. I was too nervous to meet her, though we spent almost every day together. Maybe because my heart couldn't hold it all anymore. I had decided that I will tell her all that I felt for her.

I rang the doorbell. Maithili came and opened the door. God! She looked heavenly. She was dressed in a simple white kurti, with her jhumkas dangling over her shoulders. The strands of her hair were partly covering her bright face. It reminded me of the night I first saw her. And then, I looked at her eyes. Filled with kohl, her eyes looked way too mesmerizing. Those eyes, those innocent eyes could kill thousands by simply looking at them. I thanked God to have witnessed this pure piece of art. She was God's perfect piece of art.

I was still too lost looking at her when she came forward and hugged me, wishing me a happy birthday. For the first time in all these months, she hugged me. It was just a simple one. I wish it could have lasted longer. I wished to hold her for an eternity. But still, that moment, that one moment felt like I was on top of the world.

I entered her apartment and saw that she had done a beautiful minimal decoration. Never in my life had anyone put so much efforts for me. It felt surreal, and I couldn't help but turn a little emotional to the entire scenario. She has always made me feel special. I loved all the little things she did for me, like this surprise birthday celebration.

"Maithili, I just can't thank you enough for all this. I've never desired for anything as such but all the efforts that you have put in... " I said before I was in tears. I thought I had to be strong, at least in front of her. But I guess being vulnerable in front of the person you've given your heart to is what love is all about. And she, she was as warm as the rays of the morning sun, comforting me while I broke down.

"Viraj, it's your birthday! Stop crying na", Maithili pleaded with her puppy-eyes.

"You made me cry, Maithili" I joked.

"Common yaar, you don't have the license to lie on your birthday. I know the reason why you're crying ".

"What reason?"

"Because you're missing your family. You're missing home".

"How can I miss my home when you are sitting right beside me?", I just uttered.

Maithili looked blank for a second. But I wouldn't let the chance go away. I fixed my gaze on her. She gave me a surprising look when I finally let the words of heart reach my mouth, " Maithili, all through these months, you've been my home. You've been the person bringing me comfort. You've made me better, you helped me heal. I don't wish for anything more. You're my everything."

I felt my words had a greater impact than I thought it would. Still, there was no going back. I had to end what I had started. Maithili continued to look at me with amusement. I continued, while placing my hand on hers, "Maithili, you deserve to know. But I don't know how to put it in words. I'm a writer. No, you made me a writer. But whenever it comes to describing you, or whenever it comes to telling you anything I've held in my heart, I turn blank. I could write thousands of words about anything in the world, but you, you are way too special for me. It'll be a disgrace to your perfection if, ever, I find words that does justice to the beauty you are. Not just your eyes, not just your smile, but you. The person you are. The perfection you are. And.... And I don't think I can hold it in my heart anymore that... That... I love you... I love you more than I thought... I love you more than my heart can hold... And I.... ". I paused when I saw tears in Maithili's eyes.

Now having said everything, I didn't know how she would react. I didn't know if she would come forward and hug me tightly or push me away from her for life. But it's all said now. It can't be undone.

She gently removed her hand away from me. That was enough. I could predict what would happen. God! I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have told her. My heart was thumping at the speed of light. But then, she put it at rest when she looked at me, her eyes still filled with tears.

~Maithili~

Viraj's words came to me unexpectedly. I couldn't even comprehend that he has just confessed his feelings to me. He loved me! He loved me? He loved me. I didn't know how to react. I was blank. But I was pretty sure that it was not what I wanted. I wasn't ready for love. I wasn't ready to have such pure emotions for anyone at the moment. But still, I was not even ready to break his heart. He was a kind guy with a pure heart. He was there when I had no one. How could I shatter his heart into pieces? God! What dilemma it it?

I stood up and went towards the other side of the room. I needed to compose my words before I could actually let them out. Viraj was still sitting on the bed, his head still down. That poor boy! He looked way too innocent. How I wish I could have just hugged him and given him all the love my heart held. But sadly, my heart was devoid of any love. I couldn't love him with a broken heart. I know he didn't deserve the bits and pieces of my heart, but my whole heart.

"Viraj, please, please don't do this to me. Please don't put me in such a dilemma. I can accept your love but can't give you back any... Please try to understand", I finally said while sitting beside him.

"Maithili, I just told you I love you. I didn't ask you to love me back".

"Is that even love? It has to be mutual, right? Right? And... Didn't you... Didn't you tell me that love has destroyed you... That love has ruined you?"

"I'm not scared of being ruined anymore".

"By love?"

"By you".

His words were hitting me straight into my heart. But I had to maintain the environment around us. I couldn't let everything between us destroyed so easily.

" Anyways, Viraj, let's cut the cake. It's your birthday yaar! Let's forget this conversation happened. We are still friends, right?" I said, trying to ease the tension of the situation.

"Sure, Maithili", he gently said and got up to cut the cake.

~Viraj~

I couldn't let her be disheartened. She had prepared everything so properly for my birthday. How could I break her heart by not accepting the things she had done for me? So I cut the cake. She was cheerful all throughout. She played some music. I pretended to enjoy. I tried to enjoy. But my heart was hurting as hell. Spending time with her after having admitted my feelings felt way too awkward.

"Maithili, I'll have to leave".

"No problem, Viraj. I understand you must be tired".

"Won't you stop me?"

"We'll meet again tomorrow na."

"No. I'll leave, and I'll come back once I have the courage to face you again".

" Everything is still good between us, Viraj".

"I wish it was true, Maithili".

With these words, and tears in our eyes, I left the apartment. I had nothing else to say. Nothing else to do. All I needed to do was build myself again to face her. I needed to heal myself, again.