Sweetheart under the moonlight

The void without you

~Viraj~

Three years had passed since I last met Maithili. No, it hasn't been three years. I met her last night in my dreams. She visits me everyday. We talk a lot. We spend a lot of time together. She bakes amazing cookies. But whenever I try to hold her, she disappears. I can't see her face properly yet she looks as bright as the moon. That's what I call her now. Chaand. My chaand.

Whenever she disappears, I wake up. I look for her desperately until I come back to my senses. I hate it all. I hate waking up. I hate spending my days without her. All I wish for is to sleep forever. I desire a deep sleep, without any interruption, where I'd forever live happily with Maithili. But the reality, the reality has ruined me.

I still write. But it is all about her. In all these years, I've written a letter to her everyday, telling her about everything that I want her to know. I mention about my feelings, how alone I feel without her, all that I did for the whole day, and everything else that I would have told her had she been there. And yes, the letters never reached her. I didn't have the courage to send it. I keep it all with me, as a memory of her, as something that will remind me of her when I'd think that life is not worth living.

I changed a lot since the day I moved away from Maithili. I became weak again. I've become a combination of the Viraj I used to be before I met her and the Viraj I was when I was with her. I hate myself whenever I think of the fact that I left her. That I went away from her. I ruined everything.

But life has to go on. I've moved to another city where I work as a writer. Some of my works became famous so I got a little fame. But what would I do with all of it without Maithili? She was my source of peace. Without her, nothing was beautiful. Without her, nothing made sense. But I kept on living, with a faint hope that I'll find her again someday.

~Maithili~

Life without Viraj doesn't feel the same anymore. I feel too guilty of myself for letting him go that day. Each day, each day my heart aches for causing him so much of hurt. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it. All he asked me for was love. No. He didn't even ask for my love. He just poured out his heart. He  held unconditional love in his heart for me. And still, I hurt him.

The city in which I met him haunted me. So I again shifted to another place. I tried to build a new life for myself again. I couldn't sit idle and cry over the fact that I broke Viraj's heart. Whatever had to happen, has happened. There's no point of grieving over it.

I opened my own bakery in the city. Initially, it was difficult to set up a new business in a new city. But gradually, it all fell into place. People started to know about it. I worked hard to establish my business properly. But on some days, I do sit and think about how different things would have been if Viraj was with me. He would have celebrated all my little victories. He would have embraced me in his arms on my bad days. He would have supported me like no one else. But it was all just a thought. He wasn't there with me anymore.

I tried to contact him sometimes. But he had changed his number. He even moved out of the city and I knew nothing about him anymore. He became just a passerby in my life whom I met for a short period of time. He was an angel, who met me and saved me when I was almost dying, who cared for me despite I was a stranger to him, who did everything to make me feel okay, who loved me despite his heart being broken by love itself, who helped me heal. And then, he disappeared, leaving no traces behind.

I usually spent most of my time in learning something new for my bakery. I loved spending time there. That place was my comfort. Sometimes, I looked for books or articles to read in my past time, in the hope that I may stumble upon something written by Viraj. But that never happened. I never read anything written by him.

~Viraj~

If only I could've compiled the letters I've written to Maithili, it would have turned into a whole huge book. But, no. She wasn't just the person I wrote letters to. She was the person all my poems were about. She was my muse. Because in between the night I met her and the night I lost her, I've felt things I never even imagined of. She was the kind of person you can't help but just fall in love with. And now, everything that reminds me of her makes me sick.

Since the day I last saw her, crying became a part of my everyday routine. I couldn't explain my pain to anyone. All I did was live with it. The pain became a part of me. It lived in me. I was unable to put it in words, because no matter how hard I tried, I could never explain how torn and broken I felt. That's the thing about heartbreaks, I guess— the only person who goes through it knows its intensity. Sometimes, its as simple as crying and then healing. But on some other times, its way too painful. It makes one feel physically ill. The heart aches. The body aches. Life feels like a burden. But amidst it all, there is still a faint hope of that one face that can take away all the suffering in just a moment. I was still waiting for that one moment. And I guess I was ready for that moment. Because through the years, the waiting made me realise the void I felt. I thought I had become capable of facing her, until...