Queen of Nothing

15. Let go!

"You're here," I stood up, immediately grew self conscious of how I looked. Milo had a knack for catching me off guard, at my most vulnerable. 

I wished desperately for a mirror or even a touch up of my lip gloss, but neither of those things were at my disposal at the moment. It was just me and my great big feelings that I was trying to push away as fast as possible, under the guise of vanity. 

"Of course I am," he replied, "don't you remember inviting me?" 

"Oh-" I started, "I mean I do, I just didn't think you'd come." 

He looked at me, then at my window, the flashing purple lights casting a shadow on his face, the hollows of his cheeks, his jaw, oh he looked so handsome. "Yeah, I would have come earlier. But...parties aren't my thing." 

I frowned, "Why not?" 

He shrugged, "It's too many people." 

I smiled, "The biggest parties are the most intimate. No one notices you in a crowd of drunk people." 

"Maybe," he admitted, "but I can look forward to that stuff in college." 

I rolled my eyes at him, fighting hard to keep a smile at bay. That seemed to happen around him, the smiling, like a dazed school girl. I bit my lip, pushed those emotions away. 

"Well, that's fine," I noted, "but what about right now? Or are you planning on lurking out here for the rest of the night?"

"Actually," he started, "I was hoping to ask if you wanted to go on a walk with me." 

"A walk?" I scoffed, in disbelief, "I can't just leave my own party."

Someone hooted, and through the window, I watched as Dean tapped a keg, being met with cheers and whoops. People were drinking, having fun. 

No one seemed to be missing me at this thing. Although I knew better than to be upset at the fact. It was a party. People didn't celebrate other people at these things. They celebrated their ability to get wasted in a judgement free zone, to spend a couple hours happy and dazed and dancing and flirting. As if you couldn't do those things sober. 

Frankly, I wished I had a drink right about then, to wash some of the butterflies away, to strengthen my own spine. But I wanted to remember this, the way I wanted to remember every moment with Milo, cement it in my memory so I didn't lose any of it again. 

"Yeah," he noted, "I think you'll be just fine. Besides, I have something to show you. C'mon." He nodded in the direction of the dimly lit street, and I considered it. I checked my phone, to see if anyone had noticed my leaving, but I didn't have any new messages.

So I nodded, and fell in step with him, a decision that I didn't even remember making. It was tug that I felt towards him, the invisible string that anchored me to him. I wasn't embarrassed to admit the pull I felt towards him, the way we seemed to gravitate towards one another so easily. 

I didn't know what it was yet, didn't know how precarious and beautiful it was to have something like that. So I embraced it all, the cool wind on my face, the stars, the night sky, the quiet. 

I teetered the edge of my indecision, before facing him. 

Before freefall. 

---

"So you're not taking me to like a slaughterhouse or something, right?" I joked, partially to gauge his reaction. He let out a small laugh, his eyes sparkling with amusement, before turning to me, 

"Wouldn't you like to know?" 

"Where were you before my party?" 

"Out," he responded curtly, "out and about actually."