To You

its my turn

this year im going to pretend to be happy

and maybe one day i will be

im not going to complain to you anymore

im not going to ask to meet you or hear your voice

i might every once in a while ask to see you but ill try to keep it to a minimum

this year its all about me.

and its up to daddy if you want to talk to me

ill still say morning and sometimes ask if you have work

but thats all im doing on my part

the rest is up to daddy

everything that happens between us from now on is up to daddy

because im not happy with the way things are

but i can only do so much to change things.

i asked you if we were going to meet this year

you said "i don't know"

so ill leave it at that

its up to daddy to decide if you want to

im not going to ask anymore

.

i just realized ive spent 2 Christmases with you

hopefully this year will be the 3rd

and maybe it'll be a happy one

but only daddy can decide that

.

i wonder if this year will be better

.

im Learning to love myself

i don't think ive told you that

i decided around Christmas that i should like myself more

around Christmas i realized i hated who i was becoming

i hated how jealous i was of people i didn't even know

i hated that i noticed i was becoming really hatefull

i told you "i hate this"

because i truly did

i do

i hated that i got jealous of my half brother and his wife

i hated that i gave up many things in order to put you first

and for what?

to always be put last

i hated how i was living my life around you

.

i was also scared

i didn't understand why i was becoming like this

i didn't want this things i thought

that wasn't me

i wasn't that kind of person

so why

i kept asking myself why

and it took so long for me to realize

that i had become this hatefull person all because everyone else had something i wanted

and what was it i wanted?

you

i wanted you to love me

but more then that what i truly wanted was just to be happy

happiness

that was all yet it seemed so be impossible to get

i realized i wasn't happy with myself and instead of hating others i needed to remind myself why i loved myself

i realized i was tired of putting you before me

and you putting me last

i realized i deserved to think of myself first

i realized its ok to be selfish

it was ok to move on

and most of all just because i wanted to put myself first didn't mean i love you less than before

if i wanted happiness i would find that in myself

not in you

not in anyone else

theres happiness inside of me i just need to remember that

so when i said "i hate this"

that was when i realized

i had enough

when i realized i was done putting you before me

i still love you but right now i just want to love myself

i want to be put first

i don't want to pretend that im ok with everything

i want to stop apologizing for everyone elses mistakes

i want to be free

i want to remember how it feels to be young

i want the life i always thought i didn't need

i wanted to feel what it was like to be in a relationship without any commitments

but honestly i also want you to love me

more then anything else

but at the same time i don't

because you would never put me first

and im tired of that

i was afraid that if i put myself before you it meant i was loving you less

that if i stopped putting you first you'll forget me

that you'll start hating me

and i hated that

i told myself " he never loved you anyways and no matter how much i try to stay in his life only he can decide if thats what he wants..and clearly he doesn't"

.

every year i told myself i would stop putting you first

and I clearly failed every year

but this year i will show you

you're no longer the one being put first

its my turn this year