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TITLE : AN HEIR FOR ORAGON AUTHOR :Scholarstica5858 REVIEWED BY : CARINO
TOPIC :
The topic "An Heir for Oragon" perfectly defines the story. Its captivating and gives us a glimpse of what the story is about. So good job with that.
COVER :
I loved everything about the cover, the title was perfectly placed and the design being simple, was still eye-catching but what I didn't like about the cover was its background. The background has a black theme and if I'm not wrong, Oragon is originally the planet Mars. I would suggest you to make the cover with a little red theme or you can simply show a girl holding a baby or a pregnant woman. That would suit the title and story better. The cover plays an important role in the story so my suggestion would be to change it.
BLURB :
The blurb was short but exciting. It contains enough information that should be provided and is perfect. Just one suggestion : Change the first line to "The planet of Oragon hasn't seen a live birth in centuries" The previous line wasn't grammatically correct.
VOCABULARY :
I love your use of words, not only you have a wide vocab, but you also know how and where to use it. I especially appreciate your use of oxymoron and other literally devices which is rare to find these days.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION :
I didn't notice many punctuation errors but I think you need to work on your grammar. For example, in the first chapter I noticed many mistakes, some of them were : "This was going to be a long stay in the archaic room" Firstly, never repeat words in the same paragraph and secondly the word "this" here doesn't sounds good. You can replace this with this sentence, "It was going to be a long stay in the deafening silence of the room" Note : 'deafening silence' is an oxymoron. Another mistake : "Maya stared down at the journal on top of the bench in the archaic room." It should be : "Maya stared down, at the journal which was placed on the top of the bench in the archaic room." Another : "Maya repositioned herself on the chair to begin her reading" Replace it with "Maya repositioned herself on the chair as she began reading." Another one: "Her father had called for the dinner because he wanted to have a conversation with the family" Replace this with "Her father called her for dinner since he wanted to have an important talk with all the members of the family." ( It sounds better )
CHARACTERS/DIALOGUES:
I think you need to work on your Dialogues. Dialogues should be close to the real world and should feel just like a real conversation. I don't know why but most of your dialogues felt scripted, I couldn't feel the emotions of the words that they were portraying. Characters - The characters were a bit confusing. The readers don't know what the main characters look like. Instead of providing a picture of the characters in the beginning, you could have described them in the chapters. Another thing : Colin, you described his looks but describing jawline and lips isn't enough, describe his eyes, hair, eyebrows and his attire, just saying casual clothes won't help the readers imagine the attire. Describe the characters just the way you did for Hunter. ( It was fantastic )
STORYLINE :
Your storyline is amazing. The way you inserted a pinch of mystery in fantasy is great. I'm really not a fan of this genre but your story was literally not what I expected. I love how you make us focus on the the humiliating way her father treated her but still make the readers not to hate him. Good job with the storyline.
PACE :
I think the pace of the story is slow..., you don't need to show us what the characters are doing all day...try to fasten the pace a bit because if you continue at this rate, the story will become boring.
DESCRIPTIONS :
Like I said, you need to provide a description of the main characters. Except that, all the description are there that we readers need. The description of the places are done to a high extent with minimal to minimal details given which is not necessary. You don't need to describe everything the character sees. Another suggestion : In chapter 3, there was a scene between Maya and Colin where Colin takes Maya's arms and tucks it inside his. I would suggest you to strengthen that moment. Make the readers know what the main character is feeling at that moment. The details you provided weren't enough for a romantic moment. You can add these lines, "She stared up in his eyes with contentment which seemed to be more bright and attractive as usual. Her eyes flickered on his for a moment when suddenly he looked back at her. A deep shade of red spread across her cheeks making him smirk slightly. He tightened the grip across her hands making her heart beat erratically. She inhaled the familiar scent of his cologne like it was her oxygen. She knew that he was the one........."
FLOW OF THE STORY :
The flow of the story was actually good, everything seemed to be planned and doesn't confused the readers.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT :
I really enjoyed the story. This story has the potential and will get the fame it deserves. I would love to keep reading your story and see where this story goes.
ANY OTHER THING :
This is just constructive criticism so don't take it offensive. Another thing : In that scene where Maya meets Hunter, try to make Maya a bit shocked. It feels a bit strange that she is so calm when practically she is on another planet with all strangers there and her relatives are lying unconscious.
