Is That What You Wanted? (Ao no Exorcist )

~ Chapter 5 ~

TW: self-harm and suicide

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Recap

' Yukio!.... '' I tried to talk but words couldn't come out of my mouth.
Everything became dark as I fell to the floor...

Yukio's POV

I heard a thud and turned around to see Rin lying on the floor. I rushed to him to see if he was okay. '' Hey Rin, RIN '' I could see his eyes open slowly and his head trying to move around, '' ugh...'' ''Rin are you okay? You fell on the floor... '' I said as I helped him sit in a sitting position '' uh I must have gotten up too fast, sorry I made you worry '' he said and stood up, '' you think you can attempt class today? '' '' uh I guess, I mean I'm fine now... '' and with that, we started walking to the class.

Rin's POV

fUCK... the heck was that just now!? I felt dizziness take over me and my knees weak so I just gave in. It has to be because of the skipped meals... I should eat more but I just can't bring myself to it.

We kept walking in silence until we reached the classroom.

[ Time Skip ]

Class ended and now I had to meet up with Shura to train again. I hate to admit it but I have to keep up... I need to practice more if I want to be trusted by them which I HATE IT... I hate the fact that I have to prove to EVERYONE that I am reliable...

I arrived at the training area to see Shura and a bag of candles.

'' This time, take your time and think before you do anything. You have to concentrate hard and focus on the flow of your flames '' she said in an already bad mood.

I sat down, put 3 candles down and started practising. After 12-13 attempts of disappointment, Shura approached me. '' Rin god damn it! Concentrate! If you keep failing like this the Vatican will EXECUTE YOU! Don't you get that!? '' she said almost yelling '' They won't show mercy or give a slight FUCK about you! You have to start showing progress or otherwise, you know what happens. Now go to your dorm... I have a meeting to attend... ''

What just happened..? I left the training area with a blank face and went to the dorms, hopefully, Yukio wasn't there. I lay on the bed completely shocked by what had happened and suddenly I was lost in my thoughts.

Why was she so mad at me? I didn't do anything... I mean except for the fact that I cannot do anything right and keep failing. And that Fujimoto forced her to look after me... Maybe I am just a pain in the ass for everyone, Yukio, Shura, Suguro, Shima, and even Shiemi. The only reason Shiemi was my friend was that she hasn't seen anyone else other than her own family... haha, I was a fool to believe that people like me could have friends and have a normal life. Maybe I should have given them what they want... I am so tired of being treated like a piece of garbage! I am half a human GOD DAMN IT!!! At this point, tears started slowly rolling down my face. I stood up, grabbed a blade and locked myself in the bathroom.

One... two... three... and even more than 12 cuts were on my hands... I cut cut cut CUT until my hands are beginning to get a blueish colour and what felt like endless blood started dripping down the sink ... I can't... I CAN'T TAKE THAT ANYMORE!!! I screamed. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!! ME!!! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE WHO DIED!! I kneed on the floor and started crying violently, It should h-have been m-me instead of Fujimoto... nobody wants me alive...... why do I have to suffer like this?

Rin said through his tears...

After a while, Yukio came in, he returned from his mission. He put his exorcist equipment down and wore other clothes. Meanwhile, Rin was sitting at his desk looking out at the window, his face was emotionless, all the sparkles had left and you could see his cold glare looking at the sun. Yukio didn't give any attention to Rin and sat down at his desk to do his work.