pink in the night ✓

05 | differential

march 22 2010

A few months later, I learned that in every relationship, there will be turbulence.

The honeymoon stage can only last for so long before things start to unravel. It was only a matter of time for the overlapping shorelines revealed themselves to be gaps instead. Sometimes, there wasn't a reason that could be pinpointed for the violent uptick of the current. Floating somewhere in the night, was the moon, staring back at them, its gravitational influence pulling back so forcefully on the tides, that it left cracks on the sand.

Point is, things don't always work out the way you expected them too, and that's okay.

Tanner and Jane's relationship taught me that.

It wasn't like they weren't trying, because they were. Really fucking hard. They were doing everything right--the communication, the trust, the loyalty--that was all there. Only, it wasn't enough. Their personalities meshed like oil and water, except this mixture could be reactive--explosive even. I love Tanner and all, but sometimes he can let his anger get the best of him. It doesn't help that Jane is as stubborn as I am and refuses to admit when she's wrong. Oftentimes, I'd be stuck in the middle, purposefully staying neutral because I knew they'd make up within a day or two. They always did. At this point, I knew the cycle like the back of my hand.

However, when it got bad, it was really fucking bad.

That day was one of those times.

I remembered it distinctly--I got to school at precisely 7:43 am, like I always did. My routine proceed the way it did daily as follows: trying (and failing miserably) to stay awake in APUSH, avoiding as many people as I zip down the hallways to my subsequent classes, and ignoring my tablemates that leaned a little too close to me for a glimpse at my worksheet.

Needless to say, it felt like a normal day, that is until 7th period, which for me, was calculus, a class I shared with both of them. The soles of my shoes squeaked against the polished floor as I turned a corner. In terms of infrastructure, the high school I went to was nearly falling apart. The lockers, though technically functioning, made an awful creaking noise whenever they opened. The walls weren't in better condition either. Paint chippings flew off of them once in a while. The only redeeming feature of the building were the lights, which were replaced recently. The previous ones were tinted with yellow, but these ones shone brightly.

Mr. Tsega, our teacher, had his head dipped so he could get a better look at his laptop monitor. Somehow, in the process, his rectangular glasses slid down the bridge of his aquiline nose, tangled curls of course hair wrapping their way around the frames. He greeted me with a small wave as I filed in.

The students, the vast majority busying themselves by scrolling on their phones. As expected, the two of them weren't sitting near each other today. Honestly, I don't remember what they were fighting about that day. Might've been about how Tanner forgot about one of their dates, or about how Jane was always complaining about his other friends. In retrospect, it just felt like they were constantly at each other's necks over a whole lot of nothing that was blown way out of proportion.

Pulling out my school materials, I arranged my pens in order according to thickness. They made a clacking noise when they rolled against my jumbo highlighters of various colors.

The lecture began, and I tried my best to digest everything taught: L'hospital's rule, Newton's method, and Euler's method.

Math was always my favorite subject in school because it didn't leave any room for interpretation. Math is reliable, unchanging, and complex all at once. Regardless of how many ways one used to solve an equation, they'd always reach one singular correct answer, and that was comforting to me. If only things were this straightforward in the real world.

Out of nowhere, I noticed that Tanner had migrated seats so he was sitting next to a group of boys that I was vaguely familiar with. In high school, I thought they were going to be a memorable part of my life, yet now, looking back, I realize that those boys mean nothing to me.

Tanner and his friends hid chuckles behind their hands, stealing glances at my fellow classmates occasionally.

I frowned. I didn't know what they were laughing about, but it sure as hell wasn't math that was the source of their amusement.

Suddenly, one of the boys branched off from the group, passing what looked like a note to the person behind him. A surge of panic flickered in Tanner's eyes and he reached to snatch it away, but it was too late. As the note was passed around and around, I sat there, perplexed, watching my best friend from the corner of my eye. It looked like he was debating whether or not to walk across the room to take it back, but he knew that would've made a scene, and Mr. Tsega would've sent him to the dean in an instant.

So instead, he sat there, like I did. Except he was much more tense. On edge. Whatever was written on that single sheet of paper seemed to cause a bit of commotion in its wake. People seemed more confused by the contents.

Eventually, the note made its way into Jane's grasp.

What followed seemed to happen in slow motion.

Her nose twitched.

Tanner put his head in his hands.

She looked at him.

He didn't return the favor.

Her hands shook. If there's one thing about a skilled violinist that everyone knows it's that we have the ability to control tremors, especially when it comes to our hands.

Her bottom lip trembled, and I swore I saw a single tear escape the corner of her eye and drip down her chin.

I had never seen her so shaken up like that before. Rarely (if ever) did she erupt like she did in that moment. But once the activation energy was triggered, nothing could stop the emotions from overflowing.

Visibly distraught, she huffed out an annoyed breath, stood up, dumped the slip of paper into the trash, and stormed out the room without another word.

Impulsively, I stood up to chase after her, only for Mr. Tsega to block my pathway.

"Charm, where do you think you're going?" he asked, crossing his arms.

"To the bathroom," I lied, the words sounding less convincing out loud than they did in my head.

"You know the rules. One person is allowed to go at a time. Sit in your seat and wait till she comes back," he scolded, pushing his glasses up with his knuckle.

Obediently, I returned back to my desk, unable to focus for the rest of class. The only thing replaying in my mind was a highlight reel of the events that happened mere minutes ago. My jumbled thoughts manifested into loopy doodles on the margins of my spiral notebook as I zoned out.

When the bell finally rang, signalling the end of class, I rushed over to the trash can, using a crumpled tissue in my pocket to fish out the note:

heather pham - 5.5/10 nice tits, but really big nose

krystal torres - 8/10 smells horrible but otherwise really hot

elle gonzales - 9/10 shame she has a boyfriend

charm nguyen - 4/10 kind of anti social

jane keo - 2/10 too dark skinned

Astonished, I searched the room for the place Tanner was. Unsurprisingly, he had already left.

Frustrated, I crumpled the sheet and threw it back in the garbage.

Jane, I never told you this that day because I couldn't work up the courage to, but you were always a 10 out of 10 in my eyes.