Under the Willow Tree | Draco Malfoy

chapter 29: quit acting like a twit

Draco Malfoy | 5th Year

Draco couldn't help noticing that little blonde Hufflepuff all the time now. It seemed like she was both everywhere and nowhere at once, but his heart always sped up whenever he saw her around the corridors with Luna Lovegood or studying in the library late into the evening. At meal times, he became increasingly skilled at sneaking glances towards the Hufflepuff table without any of the others noticing. God, she was so beautiful and so good, and he hated how she always sat alone at mealtimes. Why wouldn't people want to sit beside a girl like her? She was pure, and anyone could see that from looking at her for even a minute.

Some days, Draco noticed how the others at her table would say something to her and a shadow would flicker over her face, but it never lasted. She seemed to press her lips into an even tighter smile as she stared down at her plate or said something back to them.

Draco hated these expressions on her face.

All of these new occurrences were overwhelming to Draco. He didn't know how to name how furious he got when a Hufflepuff boy named Patrick Bagby was talking to her in the corridors between classes. Draco couldn't tell what they were talking about, but it didn't matter in the moment. He was pissed without cause, and he had no justifiable reason for any of these emotions. He hoped none of his friends would notice his strange behavior while he tried to figure out what was wrong with him. He needed to act more cool, more collected, more controlled.

And that's exactly why he immediately accepted Professor Umbridge's request for him to join the Inquisitorial Squad.

It was perfect, really. It was a way to gain control and power over others, so that they'd just see his title and fear him. They wouldn't have the headspace to question his strange glances towards the Hufflepuffs or random bouts of irritation when walking to classes, and he planned to keep it that way.

However, he often spent his free time hiding in his dorm room. His roommates were rarely around, and he liked the private space to just be. He didn't really have much space to just be himself normally, and he liked letting his guard down sometimes.

Now, he was getting dressed in his dorm room and swapping his pajama shirt out for just a long-sleeved t-shirt. He was standing in front of the mirror as he did so, but he wasn't checking himself out as one might assume the outwardly egotistical Slytherin would.

Instead, he was examining the scars on his back, stomach, and upper arms. They were long and white with some green and yellow bruises intermixed amongst the scars, not quite faded yet from the summer. He knew from experience that it wouldn't be too much longer now. Maybe another week before the bruises faded to reveal his pale skin again. He just wished the scars would go away too.

When he heard footsteps outside the door, Draco pulled his shirt over his head faster than he ever had before. He didn't want any of his nosy roommates to see these markings on his body. Luckily, the voices carried on past his door, which helped to slow Draco's racing heart.

He leaned back against his bed and let out a long sigh. He wondered for a moment when the pain would ever end. He was 15 now, and it seemed like he would never get to feel okay in his own skin.

Maybe that was why he pretended, why he used people as if they were just objects, and why he was so unnecessarily rude to kind people.

He dropped his face into his hands and fought the urge to cry. He wished he could be any other person on the planet at that moment. He hated himself, so he understood clearly why everyone else hated him too.

He would never be good enough for that sweet Hufflepuff girl he kept staring at. Part of him knew it was useless to fancy a girl like that. She was precious, and he was poison.