Out Of Time | A Shelby

fifteen

Arthur had kept his word. He hadn't seen Nancy since that night outside The Cross Keys where all of a sudden, he realised he wasn't good enough for her.

The problem with Arthur was that he always had the right intentions, but never the right actions. He liked Nancy, he wanted Nancy, but he couldn't have her. The way he cared for her and the feeling he had in his gut to protect her and make sure she was safe was enough to make him realise the only way he could do that was to keep his distance.

Arthur was a mess. One moment he felt like everything was going to be alright, and the next, he'd ruined everything. He felt like he deserved to be with someone like Linda. Someone who was just as toxic as he was, who made him feel like their relationship was neither here nor there. Though truthfully, Arthur even felt like Linda was still too good for him.

He didn't want to bestow the carnage of his life and his mind on a woman as pure as Nancy. She didn't deserve that, she deserved someone that she could depend on, someone who could make her smile and make her laugh, not somebody like Arthur who never knew whether he'd last the day without losing his mind.

So, he had to stay away. No matter how much it hurt him, no matter how much he pined for her, longed for her, desperately wishing it could've gone in a different direction to the one it had, he had to keep his distance.

Linda was around sometimes, providing a distraction for Arthur when he needed one. He wasn't sure if they would ever get back together properly, but he didn't tell her to take any of her clothes back with her after she'd stayed the night at his house.

Arthur thought about Nancy's question whenever he was with Linda. Did he really still love her? He was positive that he hadn't been in love with Linda for a long time, not in the way he thought he was. After a while, he came to the conclusion that Linda served a purpose in his life that he couldn't afford to lose.

She loved him when she felt like it and that had been good enough for Arthur. Nobody had ever loved him before and the first woman that came along that had shown him even a hint of affection, he had taken with both hands.

There he was. Drunk on a Tuesday evening, alone. He had been drinking with his brothers like he usually did, only they'd all returned home to their families. It did cross Arthur's mind if he should call Linda to come over, perhaps she'd already be there in his home, waiting for him like she used to be.

Arthur left The Garrison not long after his glass became empty. He took a walk around Small Heath, down by the canal and across the river banks. He eventually ended up on the bridge.

He didn't stand on the edge this time. He simply rested his hands on the stone and leaned over the wall, looking down at the black river flowing beneath him. Canal boats in the distance were floating on the water and men were shouting, throwing cargo onto them with strained backs and dirty skin.

The thoughts that had driven him here all those months ago had been suppressed for a while, but some had began to resurface. Arthur was struggling. The way his life got turned upside down after Linda left had really thrown him off balance. The only thing that had kept him going, one day at a time, was Nancy and Vincent.

As he stood above the rushing water, he thought about her. He thought about her smile, her soft skin and the way her eyes made him calm, her presence simply reminding him that he was going to be alright, even if he didn't feel like he'd see tomorrow.

He sighed and left the bridge, walking the same tow path back into the village that he had done the night Nancy saved his life. With his hands in his pockets, he trudged solemnly back towards the glows of lamps in windows from the rows of houses that lined the familiar streets.

Heading towards Watery Lane, he paused. Looking down a lane three streets away, he remembered the way his heart sank to the bottom of his chest at the memory of Nancy cradling her son in the road surrounded by broken glass.

He walked down the road, not knowing why. Part of him wanted to knock on Nancy's door, just to see her again, to have her give her one of her smiles that made him feel safe. The other part of him wanted the ground to swallow him up as every step brought him closer to her front door.

The houses either side of Nancy's were both silent. The windows were black with curtains drawn, but Nancy's front window was open slightly, a warm hue from burning candles pulled Arthur towards the home.

He felt himself freeze when he heard the sound of music playing from inside. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to take a few more paces forward so he could steal a glance at her.

Only in the end, Arthur wished he hadn't.

He saw Nancy in her front room, one hand on a gentleman's neck and her other safely clasped in his hand. They were dancing together, their foreheads resting against one another's as they gazed into each other's eyes, smiling and laughing.

Arthur felt sick. He watched her look up at the man with the same flirtatious eyes she'd given him a few feet away on the settee. He hated the fact that this man, this stranger, was holding Nancy, touching her skin and pressing his lips against her neck.

She looked happy. She had a smile fixed on her face that looked like it wasn't ever going to fade. Nancy was gazing up at the man as if he was the only person in the world she was seeing, and had ever seen. Arthur knew the feeling that the man would have inside of him at that exact moment. He felt his skin burn with jealously that anybody else was experienced the same feeling that Nancy had given him.

He wanted to throw up. He wanted to turn around and go home, he wanted to call Linda and get her to serve her purpose and take his mind away from the horrendous thoughts that had suddenly started eating away at him.

Though all he could do was stand and watch. Despite the pain feeling like a thousand bullets being fired at him all at once, he couldn't bare to tear his eyes away from the window. It was horrendous, but it was like a drug. Arthur couldn't stop.

"Go home, Arthur." He mumbled to himself, taking deep breaths to try and calm himself down.

Arthur knew he would've stayed all night and endured the pain getting worse and worse if it meant he could look at Nancy. But when he watched Nancy pull the straps of her nightgown over her shoulders and let the silk slip drop to the floor, seeing the man grab her with both hands and them both disappear upstairs, the final nail got hammered into the coffin.

He returned home to an empty house. Throwing himself down on his bed, not even being able to bring himself to undress, Arthur finally let himself cry. He sobbed and he wept and he drenched his skin in tears and he cradled himself like a child, feeling a million different emotions yet not being able to know what a single one of them was.

Whoever that man was that was with Nancy, Arthur knew he would never be able to make her as happy as he would. He'd never have the same burning desire to care for her and protect her, maybe even love her like Arthur was sure he could, but shouldn't.

His eyes fell to the chest of draws in the corner of the room. A crumpled up piece of paper was on the edge and Arthur grabbed it, flattening it out.

'Dinosaur by Vincent, aged 5'

It was only then that Arthur realised that Nancy wasn't the only person he had let down.